the happenings of NOAH

new beginnings

2010-12-29T21:07:00.000-06:00

i've opened this blog back up for public viewing because it always has been public. but i have created a new blog to post things about my life on. i will also continue posting on my private blog. to view either one, please send me an email at hilarycunningham@ymail.com or message me on facebook. thanks for the years of reading, supporting, and loving.

happy birthday, sweet oliver stink

2010-05-26T07:00:00.025-05:00

oliver stephen was born on may 26, 2007 at 2:42pm. what a little blessing he has been to our family. he's always been such an easy little boy...which was a HUGE help when i had a 22 month old and a newborn at home all summer while nathan was in school. he loves trains, tractors, airplanes, and being outside. his favorite movie is toy story, and his favorite activity is watching the planes take off at the airport. his hugs crush my neck and his kisses are always very big and wet. what a darling boy we have, i couldn't imagine my life without him.

i say this to him all the time..
"i'm so glad i get to be your momma"
"glad to hear"
..is always his response.

we love you, oliver stephen stink.
one
two
three.

lip piercing

2010-05-25T16:04:00.000-05:00

look what i did. i'm still not sure if i like it or not. i think it might be too much. i'm going to give it the 4 weeks to heal, change it to something smaller and see if i like that more. if i don't, it's out of here. i wanted it on the other side, and she did it, but couldn't get the jewelry through, so she had to do it on the same side as my eyebrow. i feel lopsided. what do you think?

shuttle launch

2010-05-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

just a few pictures from nathan's trip to florida. he said it was absolutely incredible. i'm so glad he got to see a shuttle launch before the end. he really deserved it. what a great thing to be a part of! sorry for the blogging funk. i'll come back around :)

the run down

2010-05-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

so sorry for the lapse in blogging. here's the run down:

my computer crapped out. then, the laptop i was using crapped out. then nobody had much time to fix anything. so i was computer-less for almost 2 weeks. it was horrible. we have 4 computers in our house. 3 of them are broken. but i now have a working one...for now. it's unreal how much i rely on the internet. probably not healthy.

nathan will be done with finals on tuesday. he'll fly to florida to watch the 3rd to last shuttle launch on thursday with his dad and be there for a few days. he offered 3 days ago for me to go too, but i couldn't find anyone to watch the kids for 4 days so last minute. granted, i only asked one person. i really want to go, and i'm bitter about not being able to go. i really really need a vacation. then he'll work for all of june, then will leave july 9th. and i'll see him 2 days before school starts again. can you tell how excited i am about this summer?! can't wait.

i have stress fractures in my legs. both of them. can't work out for at least 6 weeks. well...i can work out, just has to be weight training or something with zero impact. so..no step. no jogging. no attack. i feel bulgy already. it really puts me behind with the whole body step thing. 6 weeks is up june 4th. i have to be re-evaluated and get the all clear from my doctor before going back to step.

oliver is completely potty trained. has been for about a month now. it's glorious to be out of the diapering stage. i've been in it for almost 5 years. GLORIOUS. he'll be 3 on may 26th. i'm not really sure what happened.

aidan is done with head start on may 25th. i've absolutely LOVED the head start program. and am in disbelief that i have to register him for kindergarten in the next week or so. he will be 5 in august. it's strange how it feels like it's flown by...but at the same time feels forever ago that i didn't have kids. i'm watching my friends turn 22. i'm watching my babies turn into children. i'm watching my husband turn into a grown-up marine. i feel just like i did when i was 17. why am i so stagnant? time to switch blogs.

so there's the run down. i'll fill in some pictures next time :)

my weekend in pictures

2010-04-18T20:51:00.000-05:00

...and how was your weekend?

whoop!

2010-04-15T22:04:00.000-05:00

nathan gets his ring tomorrow! WHOOP! this weekend will be exhausting...i'll post pictures by monday :)

promises

2010-04-11T12:14:00.000-05:00

nathan's dates for the summer have changed. he's now leaving the day he was supposed to get back. his original dates were may 26-july 9th. now, it's july 9th-august 25. i won't go into my feelings on this. let's just say i'm irritated. while knowing it's something i should just accept because, come on, it's the military. kings of keeping promises.

i'm overwhelmed. not connected to the above statement. i want to fly away. fly away far.

easter photos

2010-04-05T20:24:00.000-05:00

our attempt at a family picture on easter. oliver's not paying attention, i look pregnant and smiley. bleh.

aidan thinks he's sneaky. poor little oliver.

aidan: hey oliver, show me a GREEN egg

oliver: here, aidan. see?

aidan: [i'm just gonna reach on in here....]

gotta admit...pretty smooth.

sweetness

pretty momma with her flower

sweet always-smiling aidan

bb made dinosaur shirts. the boys were delighted!

gig 'em!

nathan is usually pre-occupied with the aero lab.

if you haven't had a chance to meet him, no worries.

i have the spare.

they're pretty much exactly the same.

i love this sweet sweet boy.

hope you all had a happy easter :)

by the way...we didn't go to abilene. we stayed here, and mom came down. we had lunch with sweet friends and had such a nice easter.

exciting easter plans

2010-04-01T08:27:00.000-05:00

dear wonderful texas a&m profs-
why do you feel it necessary to coordinate your tests so my husband's head gets visibly larger mid-week? and why do you insist on making the largest projects of the year due the monday after spring break and the monday after easter? thank you, for causing my husband a giant amount of stress and help him spend less time with his family. we get to see him all the time, so it's really no problem. also, i'm so glad that he can't go spend time with his family over easter because he has to stay home and work on a program....i'd really like to drive 8 hours...with kids...alone, and do the running around, dressing up, and not sleeping at night. i think of it as the 'iron-man challenge for mothers'...and you know how much i love challenges. plus, i've been really spoiled by the past easters when he got to egg hunt with the boys and go to church with us. i'm so glad we pay you money we don't have for an education that's more about cramming and memorizing long enough to take a test, than about actually learning and being able to apply what is learned. i also appreciate that last semester, a post-doc student was dropped into an upper level aero class to teach it, because one of your profs refused. nathan told me how much fun he had attending that same class taught by an actual prof, just to learn the material. we really enjoyed that time we didn't get to spend together. i'm officially fed up with my husband sleeping with the aero lab more than me.
sincerely,
hilary cunningham

excuse the incessant griping. i'm tired.

whirlwind

2010-03-29T11:38:00.001-05:00

this is the 4th attempt at this post. my computer froze up on me saturday night. i'm using sarah's old laptop she graciously gave us a few months back. it sounds sickly and grunts a lot, but it's alive and connects to the internet....which is more than i can say for the desktop. (come fix it klein. :)

update on bodystep. i learned it. the whole hour. i don't really know how. i was at the gym 2 hours a day for 5 days....i guess that had something to do with it. it was strange how it all clicked and i just "got it". i was hoping that would happen. we had a group practice (there are 4 of us newbies) in front of the director and 2 other instructors...the main feedback was about form and technique. what a relief to have the chorey pretty well mastered. now to get my mouth to open while my feet are moving.

i have my audition today at 4:30. i'll be teaching 3 tracks to an actual class. so it's my first time to be infront of people, first time to not have a mirror to look in, first time with a mic on my face, and the director will be watching. intently. from the back. why am i not practicing right now?! i'm not worried about not being hired, i feel pretty good about how far i've come since the training....it's just first impressions.

my goals for today:
nail the choreography
get words out of my mouth
(preferably with good timing and little stuttering)
((no corny jokes, either. or bad words.))

i have t-minus 5 hours to practice, shower, go view a duplex, pick up a child from school, get to the gym, practice again, perform.

usmc

2010-03-24T18:25:00.000-05:00

this

plus this

equals this

nathan passed his physical test and his astb test with flying colors. who would be surprised? he's pretty awesome. at everything.

i'm married to a (future) rocket scientist who flies f-18s.

not gonna lie...that's pretty freaking awesome.

he gets contracted tomorrow morning and swears in.

and

here.

we.

go.

rock star

2010-03-22T23:05:00.000-05:00

i love my little rock star and his poses

healthcareignorancebabble

2010-03-22T22:10:00.001-05:00

oh boy. dare i?

what i get for living in south texas, i suppose, is an outpouring of facebook comments about socialism and comparing this country to the ussr and hatred towards obama.

i feel like i shouldn't voice my opinion because i truly don't have all the facts, and am definitely not versed in politics and all the swirling mess that is our government. but it's my blog, and that's what it's for i suppose? plus i'm intimidated to talk to anyone else about it. ....so it doesn't really make sense that i'll blurb it all here. hmm. it's a lame excuse, but we don't have a single tv channel, so i can't watch the news. this forces me to make an effort to catch up online. mostly, i'll see a headline and read up on it. sad excuse, but it's hard to have time to read about the complicated issues that go into everything...and THEN decide where i land on it and why. from all angles. so. that being said. i have a few very basic feelings towards this whole thing. forgive my ignorance.

one. i voted for obama. even if i didn't, i'd like to think i was mature enough to support my president and not hurl insults at him. even if i disagreed. strongly. handle yourselves, people.

two. he's only following through with what he promised. have we not had a president do that in so long that we're shocked? people are ready for a change. health care is ridiculous.

three. it's a step. it's a change. i don't want my kids going through this nightmare that is health care today. i can't imagine that it could get much worse. doing away with "pre-existing" conditions? yes please. if one of them gets sick, i don't want to be worrying about being dropped from insurance. do you even know what out-of-pocket premiums are these days? it's unreal. there truly are NO options for some people with sick kids, no money, and nobody to insure them.

four. the best health care i've had has been government-run. i filled out a 5 page application and within a month was on medicaid. i stayed on a month after i gave birth, and aidan stayed on a year. automatically. after 6 months, they sent me a single sheet of paper i had to fill out to 'renew' and there it was. repeat that scenario with oliver. we could have NEVER afforded to pay to have two babies. aidan was in the hospital for 3 weeks, in an incubator that alone was $600 a day. the boys are now in chips which had the same, simple application process. the only hang up i had was when we applied for food stamps because of how we get our loans. **we decided after i quit the infamous horrible job of 2009, i would stay home with the kids. in order for me to be able to do that, we decided to apply for food stamps. i know the stigma that goes along with that. nathan worked at a grocery store for 4 years and described his disgust with people who would buy prime cut steaks, and expensive foods, pay with food stamps, and have him load all that food into their escalade. he was cautious to let me apply, but it was the difference between me staying home and having a full time job. we filled it out honestly, and qualified for double what we spend in a month on food. it's a giant lifted burden. and i am thankful. i know it's for people like us, that these programs are designed. (not ONLY us...you know what i mean. not for the steak-eating-2010-escalade-driving-cheating-the-government-never-paying-taxes people. don't even get me started.) anyway. our loans come in 2 chunks in august and in january and it didn't compute in the system. i spent a whole day on hold, and it was straightened out within a week. my boys were back on insurance, and we could eat.** nathan and i have blue cross blue shield and are having trouble. we signed up for it summer 2006 when we got married. nathan's plan has always been substantially less than mine, so he's paid less. our premiums have shot through the roof in the past 4 years. they've more than doubled. and we regularly get bills for things like strep tests. i pay $180 a month for my insurance, they should cover strep tests. they don't cover birth control. they don't cover anything psychological because it's "pre-existing". and most recently....take a big breath. they DENIED me to REDUCE my coverage to hospitalization only coverage because of "ongoing psychological counseling" and "recently stopping medication". ok. ONE. i haven't filed a SINGLE psychological thing under insurance, because, DUH, they won't cover it. not medication, not doctors appointments, not counseling appointments...NOTHING. TWO. if you don't cover it, never have, and never will, is it REALLY that big of a risk to you to allow me to DECREASE my coverage??? seriously. and this is after filling out at least 20 sheets of paper. they've made us jump through all kinds of ridiculous hoops. **hi. i want to change my coverage to hospital only coverage. how do i do that.**oh just go online and print out this form and send it in. no problem.**ok. i print it. fill it. send it.**oh that's the wrong form. you're going to need to find an agent to get you through this.**ok. so i find an agent. who has to print a piece of paper that we have to sign saying that, yes, in fact, he is our agent. send that to bcbs. approved. second appointment. fill out THAT necessary paper work. send it in.**oh you need to fill out previous health-history.**are you kidding? you HAVE all of my previous health-history AND you've been my insurance provider for the past 4 years. AND i'm decreasing my coverage.**fill out the damned health-history. give it to agent. who gives it to bcbs. who calls me to do an phone interview. i answer honestly about the psychological stuff that's gone on EVEN THOUGH they haven't covered it. and it's pretty irrelevant anyway.**get a letter in the mail. OH WAIT. i'm denied. because of something irrelevant.**

i realize i only gave...well...maybe zero valid points. i got side tracked. and am now angry thinking about stupid bcbs.

to summarize. i'm thankful for the government-provided health care (and other benefits). i'm thankful to all of you who work so hard, just to see a painful amount go back to the government. i hope you know how thankful people like me are. so so so thankful. and i'm happy to pay taxes, because of the privileged country we all get to live in.

i'm taking my soap box and putting it somewhere far far away. so you won't be subjected to this again anytime soon.

i apologize. and, again, please forgive my ignorance.

129 glorious hours

2010-03-21T20:20:00.000-05:00

nathan and i had a great break from the kids. it was MUCH needed. so, thanks mimi and pawpaw! a month and a half left of school....i can't even believe how fast this year has gone by! but i'll see very little of nathan until it's all over with. he'll be home for a few weeks, then (on oliver's birthday) he'll head to virginia for a 6 week training for the marine corps. dread dread dread. anyway. want to know what we did with 129 hours of freedom?

we took a 4 hour nap. together.

we stayed in bed late. (11am for nathan, 1pm for me)

we stayed up late watching movies.

we browsed half priced books. twice.

we walked around the mall without stopping at the kids' play place.

we ate out. 5 times.

we did zero cleaning. zero laundry. and zero work.

we laughed. a lot.

we fought more than usual, but that sometimes turns out good.

i didn't go to the gym once.

we got to sleep in during a 9am thunderstorm and doze while listening to the rain. that's one of my favorite things.

we dozed on the couch from 3pm-6pm.

we sat in silence. complete silence.

and now the boys are back home. and i put them to bed 45 minutes ago. (they're still up) i just administered the first round of spankings of the night. can i just let out a big, huge, weighted *sighhhhh*. here we go.

circumcision correction...check.

2010-03-17T18:17:00.000-05:00

as you can see, we're doing just fine.

6:00am: arrive at st. josephs, check in. it was dark outside. ungodly hour.
6:30-7:30: waiting in room, watching cartoons, and meeting nurses and anesthesiologists.
7:30: aidan goes to have the surgery. he was happy because he got to ride in a bed. i think he felt like a super hero :)
7:35: nathan falls asleep in chair
8:30: aidan's in recovery, zoned out, staring at the tv.
9:00: the anesthesiologist peels oliver out of my arms and takes him (screaming) down the hall. i almost cried.
9:45: oliver's in recovery and completely out of it.
9:55: oliver starts sobbing. then crying. then screaming. he was beyond angry.
10:15: nurse gives oliver pain meds in his iv.
10:17: oliver stopped screaming.
10:18-12:00pm: cartoons, coloring, snacking, juice.
checkout, done.

i'm not writing well. i'm so sleepy.

i'm thankful for my healthy boys. i was thinking while we were waiting in the room about those parents with kids who aren't healthy. all the parents who had sat in that room waiting for test results. watching their kids be poked and prodded trying to find an answer. parents who knew their kids had cancer. i'm so thankful we have healthy, strong kids. they're so resilient. and i'm thankful. i'm also thankful for the access to health care. such a blessing. thanks for all the thoughts and prayers, we're doing great! they're pushing their tractors around my chair as i type.

dinner. books. bed.

carry out chinese. movie. cuddle. bed.

then tomorrow, meeting paw paw half way between here and abilene! (and not having children until sunday afternoon.)

:)

picnic

2010-03-09T20:03:00.000-06:00

aidan had the fabulous idea of going to the park this evening for a picnic. nathan got to come, too. what a special treat!

BODYSTEP

2010-03-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

i made it.

18 hours
5,700 calories
37,000 steps
4 blisters
and five pounds...

...that was my weekend.

and i got a PASS. which is the highest score. i was told by another instructor i would probably get a pass with-held just because i'd never taught before. and, honestly, i was expecting that. but i got a pass. (!!)

today, all my toes are tingly. my body weighs a million pounds. and i am SORE.

i met some wonderful women there (there were 12 of us) and our trainer was so much fun. it wasn't what i expected at all. but i'm glad i did it!

for anyone who doesn't know what i'm talking about, here's a basic description of bodystep off of les mills' website.
BODYSTEP™ is the energizing step workout that makes you feel liberated and alive. Using a height-adjustable step and simple movements on, over and around the step you get huge motivation from sing-a-long music and approachable instructors. Cardio blocks push fat burning systems into high gear followed by muscle conditioning tracks that shape and tone your body.

i have until june to turn in a video of myself teaching a class--start to finish--by myself. i have to get 2 basic fitness certifications. i have to co-teach at least 4 times...i'll probably do it about 6 times. and before i do all that, i have to learn the entire release (so 55 minutes of choreography). right now i know 4 minutes 44 seconds worth. (we had to memorize one track (that we were assigned to) to teach to the class yesterday)

so. a lot to accomplish. but i've jumped in, and i'm doing this. i'm proud of myself for doing it because it's really not something i like to do. i'm putting myself out there, beyond my comfort zone. i joined the gym when aidan was 2 and oliver was 8 months. i was pretty burned out with being at home. i started trying the classes. i started with bodypump, then tried bodystep. i remember those first 3 or 4 classes, i thought to myself, "i'll NEVER get this!" and i quit going for a few weeks. then tried it again. after 5 or 6 classes, i was getting the hang of it and it became fun. and i was addicted. i went to step and pump all the time. then i had the infamous terrible job of 2009 (sonshine station) and didn't go for awhile, but after quitting that i started back. i started attending bodyflow about 2 months ago and i love that one, too.

so, if you have the les mills' classes at your gym and have thought about trying them, i encourage you to! there's also bodyattack, bodyjam, bodycombat, bodyvive, and rpm (cycling). these classes are good for people like me. i'm lazy. if i got to the gym and just do the elliptical or machines, i'll quit after 30 minutes or so. and (especially) with step and pump you can adjust to your fitness level. so it won't push you until you're ready. you can start out with out even having a step, just on the floor. or with pump, you can start without weight. i see all kinds of people in classes..from college students to people 50 and over! it's pretty incredible.

i'm going to spend the rest of the morning reading books to oliver. then i'll be taking a nap. :)

thanks for all the encouragement, yall are great!

family

2010-03-04T20:01:00.000-06:00

i love my boys. can't you see why?

field

2010-02-28T21:31:00.000-06:00

i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky
with my brother standing by
i said brother you know, you know
it's a long road we've been walking on
brother it is, such a long road we've been walking on
and i had a dream i stood beneath an orange sky
with my sister standing by
i said here is what i know now sister,
in your love, my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love, in your love, in your love
oh but you know i am so weary
and you know my heart's been broken now
sometimes my mind is too strong to carry on
but when i'm alone
when i've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
when i've lost all care for the things i own
that's when i miss you
you are my home now
here is what i know now brother, what i know now sister,
in your love, my salvation lies in your love,
my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love
my salvation lies in your love
-orange sky by alexi murdoch

i want to listen to this song and walk in a field.
someone find me this field. then babysit. and let me walk barefoot through it. for a whole day.

i'm feeling pretty good. calm. collected. i won't say the "h" word yet. but i'm feeling...content in my spirit. thank you, thank you, thank you for the prayers.

wordless wednesday

2010-02-24T10:11:00.000-06:00

snow days are good days.

the office

2010-02-21T20:24:00.000-06:00

nathan has 3 tests on wednesday. he's been getting home anywhere from 11pm to 3:30am. i miss him.

the boys' "procedure" is on friday. maybe? the appointment is on friday. i'm not sure if they'll do it that day or schedule another appointment. yippee.

for those of you who read this blog and not my other, i'm off medication completely. so if you see someone lurking in the corner and not smiling in the grocery store...it's me. pardon me. i don't plan on getting on any more meds. i think i'm done with them. until i'm forced to. (like if i actually do go crazy) so we'll see how this works. maybe praying more is the answer. (completely sarcastic. sorry guys. bitterness strikes again.) no psychiatrist, no more psychologist (he's moving half a world away. boo.), and no more experimenting with antidepressants. i'm confident in this decision. today. it's hard to take medication that chemically alters your brain. that's not been tested long term. that i can survive with out. today. so wish me luck.

not really feeling blogger-ish. just felt like i needed to do a quick update.

and i'm completely addicted to the office. i've watched 2.5 seasons in like 10 days. nathan's long nights give me this opportunity. :)

my valentine

2010-02-14T20:44:00.000-06:00

i get that look a lot from him

what i love about him:

he puts up with me. all of me.

he plays with my hair

he's an incredible father

(and makes pretty babies)

he watches friends and law and order svu

just so he can cuddle with me

he's the smartest man i know

he's dedicated

loyal

genuine

honest

noble

he takes care of me

he lets me sleep in on saturdays

he's incredibly sexy

he never fails me

his marine smile

watching him play soccer

his taste in music

the way he smells

how i feel when he hugs me

knowing he's going to take me to ruby beach

his eyes

the way he loves me completely

i love you.

happy (6th) valentines day.

rocky mccurbstone and valentines day surprises

2010-02-12T23:36:00.000-06:00

this is my first cake from cake decorating class. NO i did NOT choose to do a rainbow. we all had to. we did get to choose the colors and what it would say. "rocky mccurbstone" is a running joke in the aero lab. (nathan's first home during the school year) there's a random end table in there, and one day around finals time, he was walking around the lab...probably trying to keep his brain from catching on fire...and he decided to see what was in it. there was a 2 foot piece of curb. random, i know. so he and another guy made a flyer trying to be funny.."found: curb. answers to the name rocky mccurbstone...etc." so then he comes home and asks if we have an extra garland and christmas lights to decorate rocky. because it's the only thing besides cinder block walls, zombified kids learning to build rockets, and computers in that dreary lab.so i thought i'd be funny and do this then send it to the aero lab today for snacking. it was gone within a few hours. :) that homemade icing is yuuuum.

OH and...surprise for me. i came home today after running errands and nathan had a bottle of champagne, chocolate covered strawberries, and a rose on the table. i added nathan's flower to the creeper flower i got from the gym. a rose is a rose. right?! then he told me we'd be going out tomorrow night for valentines. he wouldn't give me details about who was babysitting or anything else. so tonight i find out that his parents offered to come up here for the weekend to keep the kids. they're going to hang out with us tomorrow, then take the kids back to their hotel room for the night. which means we have the whole evening to ourselves!! dinner out then home...alone. ;)

finally.

so i'm looking forward to this weekend. thank you, nathan (and parents), for giving me a valentines day :)

look what i did!

2010-02-11T15:35:00.000-06:00

yep, got my eyebrow pierced! and i LOVE it! nathan loves it too. so, yay! it really didn't hurt as much as i was thinking. just clamp, inhale, exhale, done. :) the boys were worried that it hurt me, i assured them it didn't.

no plans for valentines day. nathan has a weekend filled up with workouts, rest, and homework. soooo i think i'm on my own. boo. we've been together for 6 valentines days (incl this weekend) and he has never gotten me a single thing. one year he took me out to dinner. that's it. baby, if you read this before sunday....get on it. caffe capri and a movie will do just fine. but someone did leave a rose on my car while i was at the gym this morning. it wasn't nathan. so...secret gym admirer? it's really odd. i hope i find out who it is.

happy valentines day everyone :)

death

2010-02-08T19:06:00.000-06:00

well...i decided to do the body step thing. i filled out an application last night. but that doesn't mean i'm automatically in! i have to do a training, take a health class, audition, co-teach, then if they have a spot, i'll get a class. assuming i pass all the other stuff. yikes. i'm already nervous. and a little excited. i'll keep you posted. thanks, katelyn, for being such a great cheerleader. :)

i've been going to as many step classes as i can manage in preparation, and today, the kids club worker had to come get me because oliver took off his diaper and put it in the trash. apparently they have a 'no naked kids' rule. ha. at least he wasn't dirty. he's doing great with potty training. he's been going number two in the potty. the diarrhea thing actually worked in our favor. ha!

so saturday, the whole family was at hobby lobby returning most of the stuff i bought (thanks mil) and the boys were impatient (because hobby lobby has the longest return system EVER). there was a sweet old couple behind us with understanding eyes. they gave the boys one dollar each. so we tell them we'll use them later at the grocery. well...we decide not to go to the grocery because there were a million people out yesterday. letdown number one. but we do decide to go to mcdonald's for dinner. and after they eat we say, hey! want to get an ice cream cone with your dollar? !! they get all excited and we go to the register ....and the ice cream machine is broken. oh the wailing.

so. after school today, i say, let's go to sonic and get some ice cream with your dollar! YAY!!! i get a strawberry sundae, aidan gets a jr ice cream cup with m&ms and oliver gets a jr ice cream cup with chocolate syrup. so i let them come to the front seat with me while we eat our ice cream. we're talking about our days, and it's starting to rain outside. it was pretty much perfect. until...aidan starts asking about death. we haven't really had that discussion with him, so i thought 4 and a half was old enough to explain it a little more in detail.
h: well, when you die, your body is buried in a box in the ground. but your heart, your spirit, what makes you aidan, will go up to heaven to be with jesus! (i'm trying to be upbeat and positive about this..)
a: but i don't want to die
h: i know, but you won't die until you're a lot older. you'll get to be a grown up, then a daddy, then a grandpa before you die! you're only 4!
a: (getting misty...) but i want my body to go with me to heaven!
h: but you won't need your body in heaven. you'll just get to float around up there and see jesus! it'll be so great!
a: will you be there, too?
h: i hope so, yes!
a: (welling up and exploding) i don't want to die! i don't want to die! i don't want my heart to leave my body here! i don't want to be put in a box! i don't want to die!
h: well you'll be REALLY old, like a hundred years old, and it's not something to be scared of, you'll get to see jesus!
a: but YOU'RE going to die, mom! no! you can't die! and dad's going to die! NO! i don't want anyone to die!
(at this point he was hysterical and talking through gasps and wails..and had gotten oliver going, too. he was saying 'i don't wanna die momma....' and crying. ahhhhh)
this goes on and on and on and ON. i tried my best to console. i finally get them both calmed down, just generally talking about death as if it was a good thing, and not a scary thing, and that they're alive now and that's all that matters...try not to think about it....all that. so they cool down. then aidan looks right at me and pops off with:
a: mom. i don't care about anyone else. i don't care if they die. i only care if you die. or if daddy dies. or if i die. or if oliver dies. i don't care about anyone else.
so i tell him that that's not very nice and we should care about others ect.....it just goes on and on and on. it was hard not to laugh at some of those spots, though. poor guys. you parenting experts are probably shaking your heads at me. i probably did it all wrong. and terrified them for life. and now aidan will be in a death phase. all kids go through this though, right? just now, 4 hours later, he's playing in his room saying 'i'm not going to die, i'm not going to die, never ever, i'm not going to die...'

what did i just start? but i wanted him to have a general idea of death, they've got 6 great grandparents who won't live forever, and i thought it might be a good thing. apparently i was wrong. anyone have any advice? did i just make a major failure in my parenting?

anyway, i HAVE to shower. this antibiotic has completely saturated my system. my sweat smelled like the antibiotic during the workout. how gross is that?

chocolate pudding

2010-02-06T01:07:00.000-06:00

well the poop stopped. not after collecting it in 2 containers and storing it in my fridge and freezer for a day. i opened the fridge wednesday night, hoping for a cold, smooth snack. then i looked at mom and said "WHO PUT THE POOP SAMPLE ON TOP OF MY CHOCOLATE PUDDING?!" not kidding. there it sat. so they went in the trash. not the pudding, the sample. i'm not crazy. well i guess that's debatable.

had my first cake decorating class on thursday. didn't know i'd need $70 worth of supplies. thanks to my mil, i can take back $30 worth of that stuff. nathan was not happy about my $70 purchase of cake decorating supplies. anyone want a cake? i'm about to make one a week for 4 weeks. and i will NOT be consuming these cakes. the icing is powdered sugar, shortening (the kind with the trans fat. yesssss.), and flavoring. are you kidding me?? so. anyone want a delicious, decorated cake? i'll put your name on it. and you don't have to pay me. taking it out of my kitchen will be the payment. seriously. cake? please.

antibiotics are working. went to the doctor wednesday. she peeked down my throat and said, ew. didn't even bother to swab. thank you, bubbling-pussy-throat from saving me a swab. thank you, antibiotics, for making me feel almost 100% better in 3 days. stupid strep. i blame sonshine station. remember, the terrible place? i blame them. i wonder if i could sue. for a million dollars. pain and suffering, people. hate that place.

took mom to waco tonight, met dad at panera bread. his favorite. enjoyed the drive back. would have enjoyed it more if i had all of my voice back and could really sing along with hayley williams. i sang anyway. but i felt less than glamorous while doing so. and had to stop for a bottle of water because my throat was starting to get upset with me. whatever. i had a good hour and a half with blasting music while driving on a dark highway. does the trick every time.

and now i can't sleep. gr. but at least i get to sleep in my bed tonight. if i ever get there.

so i'm 70/30 on the body step thing. 70 thinking about it. 30 doubting. ahhhh. i need to give her an answer. i should just go ahead and do it. right?

have a good weekend, everyone. :)

penis, poop, and warts. no, really.

2010-02-02T15:27:00.001-06:00

it's not official yet, but i feel like crap. and i'm feeling like i have strep. remember strep? the stupid illness i've had FOUR times this year? if it is strep, i'll be removing my tonsils myself. with a steak knife and a toothpick. that's how much i hate having strep. good thing my mom is here.

also, the boys both have to have day surgery. they both have to be put completely under. they both have to have their penis' cut. that's right. so friends with baby boys, don't don't DON'T forget to pull that skin back every.single.time you change a diaper. it makes me feel like a terrible mother, i'm sure everyone else knows this and is shaking their head thinking 'teenage mom's.........' but seriously. they didn't tell me to do that. oliver's really isn't that bad, but it's bad enough that i can't just 'pull it' and break the skin. mostly because of my stomach. aidan's is really bad, like in the mornings he'll grab it and say it hurts because it's stretched so far. half of it is normal, half is grown over. february 26th. whoooooooopieee! poor babies. dumb young momma not knowing how to properly care for a penis. HA.

bet you wanted to know all that. so mom's here, i'm cranky from meds combined with strep-like-TERRIBLE-NESS, nathan's gone back to his study/work routine which takes him away 80% of every day. aidan's had diarrhea for a week and the doctor said to get stool samples. S. as in 2. simply collect, refrigerate one, freeze the other, and take it back to the lab. so there's a pair of rubber gloves and a traumatized 4 year old in the bathroom. bet you wanted to know that, too. oh and aidan had a wart on his foot (that's been there for 2 years) and it exploded on friday. so he has an antibiotic for that. ?????? what's going on.

again, thank GOD ***took a break RIGHT there for poop catching. yes.**** my mother is here.

and thursday i start a cake decorating class that i got suckered into taking. with someone i don't know. a girl from nathan's school. who might not go to the first class??? yeah. i don't even know what's going on.

i'm going to add to this post because i need to. right after posting this, i go into the bathroom and aidan had sludge all down his leg. so i just put him in the shower. then ran a load of laundry in HOT water. then cleaned the bathroom. doused it in disinfectant, scrubbed it, then REPEAT. i made split pea soup for dinner. it smells delicious but i will not be eating that tonight. needless to say. what is this day doing. it needs to END. seriously, people. i think i may go eat somewhere alone...sad as it is...and stare at a wall. and maybe drool a little.

body step

2010-01-28T11:14:00.000-06:00

i've been going to gold's gym for 2 years now. they're needing body step instructors and i'm thinking about doing it. am i crazy? it's $300 just to get all the training to be certified as a les mills body step instructor. then i have to audition, then i have to video tape me teaching a class, then i'll be certified. i'm not really that...peppy. but body step is really high energy, and all the instructors i've talked to have said i'll learn how to do all that. i have to decide soon. training is early march, but i have to sign up soon. eek. help? input? a big question mark is whether or not this medicine will be settled by then. i had to leave the last step class i went to because i was so dizzy.

the big upside of the body step thing is that, of course, i won't have to pay for my membership, i'll get paid per class, they will keep the kids in the kids' club, and, SURELY i'll meet my weight goal. not only that, my 'look good naked' goal.

anyway. not sure.

i'm so very ready for the weekend. i hope nathan doesn't have to spend it at school. it's been a long, hard week.

stripped

2010-01-25T09:41:00.001-06:00

i've started another blog. it's a private blog, and includes things i won't say on this one, and pictures of feelings. or as close to that as i can get.

art/me/stripped.

interested? email me at hilarycunningham@ymail.com or send me a message via facebook, twitter...text me..or leave a comment. ...

i don't want everyone to see it, so if i don't put you on the list, don't feel offended. i'm probably actually just trying to keep you from getting offended by it.

this is part of my therapy.

***let me know if it lets you on. i think you need a google account to sign in. if you have one, email me that address. still not sure how this all works. thanks!***

healing

2010-01-20T14:28:00.000-06:00

eh not a good quality picture. i did this last night. outlet.

lifehouse, broken.

the broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

i am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

i am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain, there is healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm holding on
i'm barely holding onto you

the broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

i tried my best to be guarded, i'm an open book instead
i still see your reflection inside of my eyes
that are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

i'm hanging on another day
just to see what you throw my way
and i'm hanging on to the words you say
you said that i will be okay

the broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
i may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

i'm falling apart, i'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
in the pain there is healing
in your name i find meaning
so i'm holding on, i'm holding on, i'm still holding on

i'm barely holding on to you

in the pain there is healing. i have to believe that.

smiles and hugs

2010-01-19T08:39:00.000-06:00

isn't that just sweet?! by the way, that huge diaper box in the background? that's the last one i'm buying. happy tuesday.

the post that almost exploded out of me

2010-01-16T17:10:00.000-06:00

you knew i'd do it.

in the pain there is healing.

i'm censoring this post and not giving all the details i'd really like to. i don't want to be judged, and i don't want to get phone calls, those are my reasons. but i really want to spill everything.

on the topic of switching anti-depressants:
it BLOWS. i'm taking 300mg of wellbutrin, while tapering off of celexa. so yesterday, i had 300mg of wellbutrin, 40mg of celexa, and 2000mg of amoxicillin in my system. i'm all kinds of....bleh. i woke up at 6:45 and felt alert and ready for the day. i cannot stress enough how rare this is. i'm always tired, and i always hate the morning. (morning as in 6am-10am) so i was happy about that, it was refreshing and nice. was productive, had a good workout, then tried to take a nap and i couldn't fall asleep. again, this is never a problem. never. ever. i'm confident i could sleep 15 hours a day, every day. well until today. it may just be today. it may be the meds. i'm not going to say after 2 episodes of unusual behavior on the part of my brain. then i crashed at about 4. i've got that ever-so-familiar feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness, and don't have the motivation to do anything. except sit and feel bad. bleh. there's more, more that i'll discuss in personal messages or over a cup of (apparently decaf) coffee. maybe. depends on the hour. geez. oh it just blows. i'm so tired of this.

in the pain there is healing.

THE christmas post

2010-01-15T22:23:00.000-06:00

i can't get my pictures to do what i want. and i don't want any of them to disappear. so. this is going to be confusing.

first off, the one on the bottom of squinty and me is at redbud park in abilene on christmas eve. redbud is where we had our first date. (sonic drinks and walking around) and it's where i told him i was pregnant. it's also where we both had the scariest experience of our lives. i'll go ahead and tell the story even though it will make this post longer and it's off topic. so we go to redbud after a date. we were standing by the groundhog area (which sounds SO tacky. but it was romantic. until...) we see a group of 6 or 7 people walking towards us. they all have on those super scary halloween masks. it was summer. they didn't say a word and one of them had a video camera on. they just came up to us and surrounded us in a circle, still silent. nathan and i awkwardly looked at each other, thinking maybe it was just a prank...but then we both got a little freaked. the guys just stood there, surrounding and taping us. so we started to walk away. they follow. they pulled my hair and one of them grabbed my butt. by this time i was thinking, death. we quickly got to his car, he got in his side and i opened the door of my side. a dude fought me and was trying to shut the door and not let me get in. i'm thinking, rape+death. somehow i got in the car and nathan quickly turned it on and started reversing. they banged on his car, pulled the windshield wipers so they were going straight out. and we drove away. fast. then stopped in a parking lot nearby. both of us shaking, terrified, and bewildered. then i told him they had pulled my hair and touched my butt. his eyes instantly got wide and angry. (when he gets angry, his eyes are the scariest thing. i can hardly look at him. when he's mad at me and gives me those eyes i think, beating.) so we go back to my house, tell my parents what happened but said it happened in the mall parking lot (we weren't allowed in the park after dark. we thought it was a silly rule and broke it a lot, but turns out they were right on that one) so they tell me to call the police, which i do, from my closet. because i wanted to tell the police where it actually happened. they say they've had multiple reports of it and have sent patrols out to look for them but haven't found them yet. nathan leaves my house, picks up 2 friends and 3 baseball bats and goes back to the park. he didn't find them, thankfully. but anyway, scariest story of my life.

ok. christmas. cheery. warm. we went to abilene december 23rd. on christmas eve it snowed. and it snowed. and it snowed. more than i've ever seen in abilene. it was incredible. the boys played in it a lot, and it just made everything feel good. my parents and i went to a candlelight christmas eve service, which i really enjoyed. i always like time just with my parents. and when the candles were lit and the lights were off and we were singing carols, i felt like i was in a dream. it was incredible. i love those moments.

christmas day was full of presents, food, and naps :) perfect. christmas is my mom's birthday, and instead of cake she opted for ice cream. isn't she pretty in that picture? anyway the boys loved opening presents. they got so carried away they were just tearing open everything they could get ahold of. they were thrilled with their gifts. we had lunch at nathan's parents' house. look at all that food. amazing. then i took oliver back to my parents' house where we took a great big fat nap.

the other nights we spent playing with nathan's sisters' new wii, doing puzzles with my parents, and sipping spiced tea. perfect. one night we were watching a netflix movie...my dad has this habit of choosing these terrible, long, boring, and sometimes unknowingly inappropriate. a quarter of them aren't even in english. he had a nazi faze for about 6 months. i feel sorry for my mother. anyway we watched 2 of them. one was really funny. in a stupid, low budget, monty python/a knights tale way. another was pretty much 2 people walking through northern canada. during that movie we had the fire lit and a smell filled the room suddenly after it had been going for an hour. it was a horrible, burning smell. dad said a squirrel had died in the chimney and they thought he was gone, but he must have fallen into another position or SOMETHING. it was so strong and sickening we had to leave the room.

anyway, our christmas was the best we've had together so far. i loved it. the best christmas gift? my parents and nathan's parents keeping the kids in abilene for six days. yes.

and all the cookies and goodies are from the christmas party we had here at our apartment before everyone left on break. they were delicious and if you want any of the recipes, let me know! i baked for 3 days straight and LOVED it. aren't they beautiful?! i think so.

oh and by the way...i'm posting this from my living room. on a computer that was given to me. by a wonderful, gracious friend. squeeeee!!!!!

oh so sorry

2010-01-13T18:47:00.000-06:00

sorry for the non-blogging. it was caused by my computer crapping out on me. first week of november. then a sweet friend let me use hers until after thanksgiving. since then, computer-less at my house. it's driving me insane. for christmas we got some money to help get it fixed. we thought it was a minor problem...$150 max. it's turned into a major problem. $500 to fix it. and they're charging us $200 just for opening it up. FABULOUS. i just want my computer back! ok. my tantrum is over.

those awesome pictures up there were taken by a wonderful friend who graduated in december. we're sad he's gone. he has a great eye and takes marvelous pictures. if you want to browse through some of his pictures, and i think that you should, just go here. these pictures were taken in the rain at research park. we didn't plan that. it had been beautiful the day before, but we got there and it started drizzling. we decided to go for it and see how they turned out. i love them. thanks stephen, you do wonderful work. and we miss you. and we're enjoying your nerf gun.

oh i have so many things i'd like to write about. my brain is foggy. i have a brain cloud.

no really.

so i got strep this week. if you're counting, that makes 4 times in one year. doc says my tonsils need to come out. sure, give me 3 years and i'll have the money saved. bills are stressful right now. we're waiting for student loans to come in. we have $1.32 in the bank. i'm not even kidding. money comes this week. oh please oh please. my credit card(s) is(are) getting heavier. and causing me pain.

i'll save christmas for another post. when i can post christmas pictures.

back to me. because it's my blog and i can talk about myself. this doesn't have to do with what i'm going to write about. well maybe it does. but i'll say it anyway. i'm lonely.

ok, onto medicine. just because i know you're all dying to know what's going on with that. (why am i being so bitchy? hmm.) well we (we as in me, nathan, and shrink) decided the celexa wasn't giving me enough "good" to outweigh the "bad". my mood and overall motivation/energy did increase. i'd say by 40%. so, not ideal, but still an improvement. my sleep, however, dissolved. my doctor put me on another medicine (not a sleep one, but an anti-anxiety one) to help me sleep. it helps. kind of. but i only take it a few times a week. it makes me feel loopy, which is fun. the worst thing, sex. i have to sex drive. it's completely gone. and since i live with a boy who still likes to have sex, we do. and i feel like i'm at a gynecologist appointment. or having my cervix checked. which makes us both feel humphy. know what i mean? (sorry for the description, grandma) anyway. not working.

solution: wellbutrin. well, i started it only a few days ago, but it's supposed to have no side effects, especially no sexual side effects. so i'm tapering off the celexa and tapering up to 300mg of the wellbutrin. i'm feeling a little crazy. did some crazy stuff today. had a little breakdown. my moods are all over the place. it's ridiculous. it sucks. it explains my bitchy-ness. feel sorry for my husband this week. so we shall see. i know you're waiting on the edge of your seat.

maybe i should be positive. oh, i know! nathan and i got SIX WHOLE DAYS alone. can you even believe that. i slept til noon every day. we saw 2 movies. we walked through furniture stores. we watched movies all day. went to get chinese at 9pm. just generally had a relaxing, restorative, refreshing time. (probably didn't include as much sex as he had hoped, though. sorry again grandma. and dad.) speaking of dad, that's who watched the boys for us. well with the help of mom. they are "bb" and "buzzy" to the kids. aidan has shortened it for his purposes to "beebs" and "buzz". it's hilarious. then nathan's parents kept them for a few days and met us in waco to get them. i'd heard a lot about how amazing chuy's was, so i wanted to go because there was a new one in waco. so can anyone tell me what the deal is? it wasn't that great. it was good, but not great.

aidan's back in school. nathan starts tuesday. (i'm SO not ready for this semester. the last one was sooooooo long. and he says this one will be worse. someone buy me a case of wine please.) after i get over this stupid strep i can go back to the gym. i went to a bodyflow class, which is pilates, yoga and tai chi combined. it was harder than i thought, but i quite enjoyed it. i have GOT to lose weight. i now weigh 122. holy moly. i need to be 108. it'll happen. watch me. (well...not really. that'd be creepy.) i may still be in size 2 jeans, but they're starting to give me the oh-so-dreaded muffin top. can you even believe that?! so i'm wearing nathan's shirts so nobody knows. it's so terrifying.

oliver is doing better at potty training. he refuses to poop in the toilet. which is normal. he's stubborn. he'll wait a whole day. but i'm sick of potty training, and i don't like reading about other people's potty training with their kids, so i'll quit.

i was going to have a sentimental post about the decade and all. don't really feel like it now. maybe i will tomorrow. or in 5 minutes.

new years eve 1999. i was 13. i had just had my first real kiss. and he wasn't my boyfriend. he was my friends' boyfriend. great start, huh. i spent new years eve in michigan at my grandparents house. i was sitting in my granddad's study on his bright red carpet. i watched the clock until midnight, held my breath, then went to bed. kind of anti-climatic. over the past 10 years i've:

i was independent. and stubborn. and trying to figure out who i am.
had, and lost the best best friend i've ever had. (i lost her to cheerleading)
had some of the best experiences in my life with the abilene high band. don't judge.
totaled a car
got caught up in a love triangle
then got my heart broken. i'm still recovering from it. is that bad? maybe. probably.
got kicked out of a christian camp
snuck out of my house, and my friends' houses and had the times of our lives
layed on the hood of an old mustang, looking up at the stars, listening to incubus and never feeling so alive
tried to outrun a cop. i failed. he let us go. it was 5 girls in my dad's car with enough toilet paper in the trunk for rhode island for a year. i guess we were charming.
got raped
met a curly-haired, blue eyed, soccer player that melted my heart
fell in love in the parking lot of his unfinished church outside city limits
had the best summer of my life
got pregnant, and cried. a LOT.
almost had an abortion
almost gave him up for adoption
got kicked out of a christian school for being pregnant. does that add up in your mind? cause it doesn't in mine. LESSON LEARNED. loud and clear. thank you, christian school.
had my first baby at 19. fell in love, and had no idea what i was doing. but all i could do was hold him and cry with him when i didn't know what to do. he has more of my heart than anyone will ever understand. he saved me.
got engaged
went to tennessee for a semester of college and for a breath of fresh air. turned out to be not so fresh. almost ended the engagement and was almost driven to the limits. of life.
came back to texas and got married a month later. in an off-white gown.
honeymooned in new mexico. it was much more romantic than it sounds. i can't wait to go back.
moved to college station a month later, knowing nobody
got pregnant. and cried. a LOT. again.
had a pretty bad year. waitressing while pregnant....not so cool.
had my second baby at 20
this year is the best year i've had since we moved here. thanks to some pretty cool people.
i'm still in love with all three of my guys. i'm still learning who i am. i'm still stubborn. not as independent.

so that wasn't very sentimental. sorry.

this is a GINORMOUS post.

enjoy.

walls

2009-12-07T08:33:00.000-06:00

feeling lower than usual. feeling like nobody understands. feeling like my walls are too tall and way too thick. feeling like i can't bring them down. how do you even begin to do that? i don't tell anyone how i really feel and how much i really hurt, except my husband and my psychologist. my nightmares are tormenting me. my spirit is withered. my heart hurts. i want to cry but i can't. i stayed in bed until 5pm yesterday. my escape.

there's really no way to reach me. cause i'm already gone.

i'm praying, pleading, for relief. for feelings. for warmth.

i'm exhausted.

thankful for...

2009-11-23T22:51:00.000-06:00

since i use my blog mostly for complaining, i thought it would be nice and good for me to write a post about what i'm THANKFULl for. following in the thanksgiving tradition.psh. although i'm bursting to talk about all the hard things going on right now. but this is a THANKFUL post. i won't talk about how my computer broke and it's going to cost $150 dollars and we barely have enough to make rent. nevermind fixing a computer. i'm THANKFUL for a sweet friend who has let me use her laptop for almost a week now. who knows when i'll get mine fixed. i'm missing it. terribly. it's sad. sad as in pathetic. but i'm not complaining, right? sigh.

and i won't complain about the fact that nathan is never home. ever. and how i'm dreaming of a date at caffe capri complete with wine and dessert. but like i said before, we're squeaking under the wire with basic bills. so no $40 meal for us. where is my husband. i've forgotten what he looks like. but i'm THANKFUL for our marriage. and for his drive and discipline to work so hard at school. and the opportunity to go to such a wonderful university to get an education.

and i won't complain about how my 4 year old pooped in his underwear today at the park. because i'm THANKFUL for my sunny, joyful, precious, and eternally active, little aidan. if i look deep enough into his eyes, my heart jumps to my throat and my eyes mist up.

and in the spirit of being THANKFUL, i won't tell you about my 2.5 year old who has mastered tantrums. and doesn't hear me when i ~~yell~~ lovingly instruct him. and who bit me today. because i took a nap with him today, and woke up 20 minutes early and watched him sleep. he looked angelic. he may be my little oliver stink, but i'm so so THANKFUL for that precious little boy.

also, not complaining, my medicine is driving me up the wall. i can't sleep, i can't have sex with my husband and like it, and i can't focus on anything. but i'm THANKFUL i'm not in bed every day wishing i wouldn't wake up. and i'm THANKFUL there are doctors and medicine to help. in a way i'm THANKFUL for my depression. it makes me feel alive. and i'm THANKFUL for this blog and this outlet for me to share some feelings about it so others know they're not alone. as alone as i feel right now. i know i'm not. thank you, internet.

i've had nightmares every night for over a week. i won't share details, because you'd have a nightmare. they're terrifying. and i've had so.many.this.week. i'm told i have them because i have dark and deep feelings inside me and i'm creative. and this is how it's expressed. and i need an outlet. but i'm THANKFUL for my creativity. that's about all i can be thankful for with that one.

i feel uneasy and not at peace about the decision to go into the marines. but i'm THANKFUL for my healthy husband who wants to fight for my freedom. and who want's to contribute. because i'd never want to do something like that. what a special man he is.

i'm THANKFUL for aidan's school and all he's learning there. i'm THANKFUL we've been healthy so far this school year. what a blessing. i'm THANKFUL for clean carpets and an abundance of toys for my children. i'm THANKFUL for the state providing us with food and medical benefits. i'm THANKFUL for friends. and love. and laughter.

happy thanksgiving.

twloha

2009-11-13T09:51:00.000-06:00

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.
-mission statement taken from www.twloha.com

for me and for the million other people writing 'LOVE' on their arms today. rescue is possible. help is available. i did it for my boys.

***

in completely non-related news...got up this morning, put the boys in the car...and it wouldn't start. my car has been broken for weeks, so i've been driving nathan's car. he was supposed to be at work at 8. it's 9:50 and he's still out there working. he rode his bike to napa to get some parts. i hope he can get it fixed! a friend had to come get me and the boys to take aidan to school, he was 45 minutes late and i forgot to feed him breakfast. because it's morning. and i'm not on top of things. oops.

red sam

2009-11-12T22:53:00.000-06:00

warning...brutal honesty ahead...

here i stand
empty hands
wishing my wrists were bleeding
to stop the pain from the beatings
and there You stand
holding me
waiting for me to
notice You
but who are You
You are the truth
i'm screaming these lies
You are the truth
saving my life
the warmth of
Your embrace
melts my frostbitten spirit
You speak the truth and i hear it
the words are
i love you
my hands are open
and You are filling them
hands in the air

and i worship
-flyleaf

don't be scared. i'm not suicidal. there. got that out of the way.

i've been thinking about God a lot lately. where am i? where is He? i feel Him. i want Him. i'm nowhere near where i want to be, but i'm closer than ever. believe me? better try.

we attended a church of christ here in college station for almost 2 years. for many..some infurating..reasons...we left. abruptly and without explanation. i never regretted a second. i've struggled the entire time we've lived here. with faith, God, and life. i feel clearer now than i have in a long time. i feel stronger now. and truer.

it's not just the medicine...although..sadly..i think it's part of it. i say sadly because i wish i could be "normal" and "clear" without it. but whatever. it's working. kind of. ugh.

when i was in high school i would cut myself with my own fingernails. and occasionally a pen. i once carved a boys' name into my stomach. my doctor jumped when he saw it. and my mother got the worst look on her face i've ever seen. i cut "X"s onto the top of my hands once day. it's just part of it. i haven't done it in awhile. and i don't want to. i feel like i'm finding solid ground. i may still be groping in the dark...but i'm finding it. depression will not beat me. but it's an exhausting battle.

i was at the grocery today and someone from the church we used to attend in college station came up to me and interrogated me as to why we left and where my soul was headed. i smiled and gave vague answers. i wanted to tell her it was people like her that made me leave.

i want to be real. i want to know what i believe and why i believe it. i want to be consistent. and true. i want to give love and show peace. i don't want to attend a church because my grandparents do. or my parents do. or because it's all i know. towards the end of our attendance at that church all i saw were fake people and shallow answers. walking on eggshells for everyone and not really truly knowing anything.

maybe i'm too cynical. maybe i'm just too alive.

there were some wonderful people there. the people nathan and i most respect are there. i'm not criticizing the church of christ. i'm not criticizing the one here in college station. it's just what i saw after 2 years of attending regularly.

i see how God has directed my life. i could have never predicted it. i've been challenged more than i thought i could ever bear. but here i am. believing more than ever. walking in darkness but not feeling alone. i feel blessed by the few people close to me in my life. i've been affected by many evil actions, thoughts, and people. but here i am. alive.

the nightmares haven't stopped. 3 this week now. i hate waking up to the images. scared and shaking. but holding onto faith. which means they're not real. and only tests. and only there to torment. one was of me hurting myself. the worst. well...besides the demon ones. ok. they're all bad.

my relationship with my parents is not what i hoped it would be. my relationship with my children is not what i dreamed of it being. my relationship with my husband surpasses every fantasy i ever had. my relationship with friends is...well non-existent. what little relationship is there isn't what i thought it would be. my relationship with God is slowly becoming the only consistant one. slowly. i said slowly.

i may be cynical. i may be judgmental. i may be depressed. i may be introverted. but i'm alive. and i'm happy. did i just say happy?! yes. happy. content. moving forward. wow. can you even believe that?! maybe it's just tonight. but it's a start.

creative/love

2009-11-04T22:49:00.002-06:00

action shots :)

what i made for t-luv. it's his name spoken into a sound wave thing. fun. creative.

also for irma, just a little something extra i did. it was a lot of fun :) and easy! so if anyone else wants one of those, $10 :)

bow holder for irma. colors turned out crummy but it's light blue, light green, chocolate brown, light purple, and a darker teal-ish blue. i'm kind of proud of how it turned out!

Your hands that shaped the world. are holding me still.

2009-11-02T20:40:00.000-06:00

i have unanswered prayers

i have trouble i wish wasn't there

and i have asked a thousand ways

that You would take my pain away

i am trying to understand

how to walk this weary land

make straight the paths that crooked lie

oh Lord before these feet of mine

when my world is shaking

heaven stands

when my heart is breaking

i never leave Your hands

-"Your hands" by JJ Heller

it's a beautiful song, download it!

tomorrow is a day that i knew was coming. tomorrow is a day i'm not ready for. tomorrow is a day that's been 2 years anticipated. tomorrow is a day that's been argued and discussed about for hours. tomorrow is a day that has been proceeded by hundreds of tears. tomorrow is a day that's been prayed about and pondered. tomorrow is a day that fulfills a childhood dream. tomorrow is the day nathan swears into the marines.

he's still got a whole big process to go through, he's still in the application process. so it's not 100% official and won't be until after his training is completed the summer of 2011. but we're far enough into it that i can talk about it online. all the people close to me know, but it's something i didn't want to talk about on my blog until the process was officially started. and that day was last friday when he turned in his application to the marines. tonight he left at 6pm for houston for 'meps'. he'll have to be up at 5am and swear in before he returns to college station late afternoon. the day will be full of physicals to make sure he's fit and able.

he's applied to be an officer and plans to go onto flight school to become a pilot for the marines. the time line generally looks like this: this summer (2010) he will go to west virginia (i think..) for a 6 week training course. then the next summer he'll do the same thing, 6 weeks in west virginia. he'll graduate december 2011 (Lord willing...please oh please). he'll immediately leave for a training that will last 4ish months. i can't go, so i'll either stay here and finish out the school year for the boys or go to abilene. after that he has another training that will last 4ish months again. (sorry i'm so sketchy on those details..) that one i can go to, but what's the point of moving the kids for 4 months? after that it's on to florida or corpus christi for flight school. assuming he gets in and everything goes as planned. flight school can take up to a year and a half. i'll go with him for that. after that, he'll be stationed somewhere...and so on and so forth...for the next 10 years.

nathan is excited. it's his dream, he should be. he lights up when he talks about planes. he cannot wait to fly. he has so much passion for it all. he can't wait. he's researched and spent hours online gathering information. he's talked to so many people, both in the service and out. he's done his homework for sure. he's made sure we'll be taken care of. he's ready.

me? how do i feel? lots of things. i'm struggling with it. i'm angry about it. sometimes i'm hopeful about it.

the good: it will be an adventure. i'll make great friends, and meet many other women in the exact same position and point in life. (which i've found is very difficult to do. most women with children my kids' ages have beautiful homes. pedicures every other week. husbands who work and come home at 6. shopping trips. and enough money for all of it. not that it's all about money. but it makes a difference.) i'll get to watch my husband, whom i love more than i can stand, fulfill his dreams.

the bad: (get ready.) i'll have to feed my children with the money my husband earns by designing planes that are built to destroy life. i'll have to watch my husband put his country before God, before me, and before our sons. i'll have to pull my children out of school and move them every 3 years. he could die. (can't wrap my brain around that one.) i feel cheated by it. i feel like it's unfair. he has to get that awful, disgusting hair cut. for 10 years. (shallow. yes. but he has beautiful hair. and i like it scraggly.) i have to put off my school for another ____ years. (being a single mom and all..) i never. ever. ever. wanted to be a military wife. i also never wanted to be raped at 17. or a mother at 19. or a waitress while i was pregnant with my second child. at 20. or a 23 year old with only 14 hours of college credit. so i guess God is showing me who's in control, huh?

i have strong feelings about it. i still don't feel at peace about it, and am nowhere close but i'm trying. i'm struggling to adjust my attitude. i couldn't ask my husband to give up something he so badly wants. i have to just trust. and love. and respect. and honor. and be proud of the wonderful man who supports and loves me unconditionally. and who feels called to serve his country.

halloween and air show

2009-11-01T16:04:00.000-06:00

yesterday was a big day. we headed out early in the morning for houston for the wings over houston airshow. we parked in a metro park and ride area and rode a charter bus to the airshow. we left college station at 8:30 and didn't get to the air show until 1pm. nathan was frustrated because we missed a lot of flights. :( i felt pretty bad since it was mostly my fault. there were so many people there...i don't like crowded places like that, but the planes were neat to see. my favorite thing was seeing nathan so excited. he's so passionate about flight and airplanes, it was so good to see him in his element. he could answer all our questions and he was just loving it.

we saw the blue angels and they were amazing. their formation was so tight and flawless. incredible. bottom row far left is a c-17 and it's a massive plane. it carried obama's motorcade to college station when he came. when they're in the air they almost look unreal. the middle one is a guppy...i'm sure it has an official name, but that's what nathan called it. nasa uses it to transport rocket parts. guppy is an appropriate name, don't you think? funny looking plane. there were stunt planes, even one with a woman standing on the wing while the stunts were performed. i'd never seen anything like that. there were world war two planes, fighter jets, modern fighters, military aircraft, planes that take off vertically, all kinds of stuff. it was incredible!

we got back in time for a pizza and trick-or-treating. oliver didn't want his picture taken most of the night. obviously. they made adorable little superheros. :)

nathan's parents left today. the boys had a blast with them. building forts, putting out (pretend) fires, carving pumpkins, eating at chick-fil-a and watching lots of batman. we had a great weekend together, nathan and i were so thankful for the time to be out of the house and away from the kids.

last night was the first night i've gotten to sleep in weeks. the meds have been giving me trouble with sleeping but last night i broke down and went to heb to get a sleep aid. i got tylenol's simply sleep (which has no painkillers in it) and took half a dose. it helped tremendously. i actually got to sleep. and i woke up this morning refreshed and not exhausted. it helped that we had an extra hour to sleep :)

off to another busy week.

menial.

2009-10-30T09:26:00.000-05:00

my to do list reads like this today: (just in case you wanted to know the menial tasks that lay ahead of me this october 30th)

clean bathroom (like CLEAN. not wipe over with a clorox wipe. don't even judge.)
parent-ify bedroom (yes i actually wrote that on my list. all of you married folk get it. when you've got in-laws sleeping in your marital bed for 2 nights, you've got to hide the slutty stuff thrown over the lamp. and the undies. and the handcuffs. and the whips. and the pictures. and the whipped cream. and the boa in the closet. and the board-game-turned-nasty. not that we have ANY of that stuff. they'll never know. just pictures of sunsets and a flowery bedspread. and turtlenecks. for your peace of mind, we only have 4 things on that list.)
vacuum all rooms
mop
kids laundry
grocery
hang stuff (not self. stuff. like pictures. i don't even know.)
make cookies (snickerdoodles to be exact. want some travis?)
bank
drop off utility payment

how long have i known the in-laws were coming? (over a month) and known about the air show? (about 6 months) and known about being kicked out of our apartment for 2 days? (2 weeks) and known about halloween? (20 years? give or take a few)

i suppose it'll all happen whether the floor is mopped or not. i'm such a procrastinator. it's an illness. and here i am, blogging about my lack of discipline.

positive things (it's part of my therapy. bwahahaha): superman and batman will look adorable on saturday. i'm excited to take them trick-or-treating and filling their veins with sugar. then sleeping at someone elses house while my in-laws get up with them 4 times during the night. my ipod is fully charged. spending the day in houston watching planes. and filling NO sippy cups. on top of that it's supposed to be a BEAUTIFUL weekend (weather-wise). but the best thing? an extra hour of sleep on saturday night. YES. YES. YES.

the next post will have pictures of my little superheros :) and probably a few airplanes.

virtual screaming

2009-10-29T20:15:00.000-05:00

what did i do today?

had a great breakfast with a great friend
did NOT get my planned and much anticipated nap
spent an hour in hobby lobby tearing my hair out because i wanted to buy EVERYTHING but couldn't. i don't even know why i go there. it's just torture. the boys didn't enjoy it either.
left the house at 4:45 to get nathan for dinner, get to campus at 4:55, text him and ask where he is. he was at work. i didn't get to his work until 5:25. he had to be back at 6.
we went to wendy's. spent money we didn't have. and half way through eating oliver's diaper flooded. it was dripping off the chair, yall. like dripping off his shoes. that's never happened before. FABULOUS timing. so i take him to the car and we sit and wait while nathan and aidan finish eating. i cried.
drove nathan back to work, home, mop up pee trail. strip carseat. bathe kids. spank kids for splashing uncontrollably.
BED. CSI. after a day of wiping poop off another human's butt and mopping up pee, i'm sitting down. my to do list is enormous. but i don't care.

why am i so hormonal and gripy? nathan's been gone all.week.long. not even kidding. i haven't slept a full night's sleep in 3 weeks. nathan's parents are coming tomorrow by dinner time and will be here until sunday. saturday we go to houston all day for an air show, and are back in time for trick-or-treating. and tomorrow nathan turns in an application that changes our lives forever. for the better or worse, i honestly do not know. don't know if i want to know right now. sigh. excuse the vent-fest. i have no humans over 4 to talk to.

also, in hobby lobby, in front of the sweetest looking old lady my four year old says:

"mom, can i have some of your drink? i'm so very thirsty"

"no, aidan, it's momma's. i'll give you juice when we get home."

"mom, if you give me the juice, will you go to jail? because i'll be so sad if you go to jail for giving me some of your drink. i won't have a mom anymore. i'll be so sad..." and he begins to wail.

old lady gives me a BAD look.

am i a bad momma?

536 B

2009-10-29T10:35:00.000-05:00

we've lived in 536 A for 3 years. going on 4. our first neighbors in 536 B were mark and deanna. a sweet couple that got married a month before us. aidan was only 9 months old when we moved in. we regularly had dinners together, and movie nights. since we've never had cable over here in 536 A, 536 B has always shared theirs :) (not illegally...meaning i could go over there to get my tv fix :) deanna was such a sweet friend when i was pregnant. i was not a happy pregnant 20 year old. i was waitressing, had a 15 month old and was TIRED. talk about moody. she was always so sweet and let me borrow all of her 'friends' dvds. :)) she threw a

baby shower for oliver right before he was born. we went with her to get her aggie ring, then went to fuddruckers to celebrate :) she babysat for countless hours. after oliver was born, she and mark took aidan to the woodlands for a whole day. i was so thankful to have a NAP. they were such wonderful friends while they lived here and we were very thankful to have them as our neighbors. sweet friends! we've seen them a handful of times since then, and needless to say we miss them terribly! deanna and her mom kept the boys for a weekend this past summer while nathan and i went to galveston. like i said. amazing friends. :) we miss you! a couple of years went by, 2 different people moved into 536 B, then this year we were blessed with another great set of neighbors for 536 B. tyler and eric, brothers from amarillo, moved in during the summer. tyler is dating laini, who is over at thier apartment often. tyler makes fabulous paper airplanes, and laini is so great with the boys! already we've had a wonderful taco dinner with them, a movie night, a coffee date, and two visits to their church. and yesterday, laini came over to get the boys at 4 and didn't bring them home until 8. i was THRILLED. what a much needed break. they made puppy chow, they fed them, bathed them, made forts (even though the fort was compromised by oliver's never-ending gas), and they brought them home at 8 in their pajamas and ready for bed. highlight of my week. i live for breaks like that on weeks like this. so thank you, 536 B for providing such wonderful friends, babysitters, and precious people. we are thankful :)

bow holder

2009-10-27T20:36:00.000-05:00

stephene showed me a website last week and asked if i thought i could make a similar bow holder for her mati. of course i love new projects, and got it done in less than a week. the colors of course didn't show up as well as i'd like...neither did the detail. of course i was taking the pictures at the end of the day. sooo ready to get off my feet. anyway that didn't help. the creamy paper in the middle is shimmery and the edge is lined with ribbon. i'm pretty proud of myself, it's quite cute! something like that would serve absolutely no purpose for me. except give my boys something else to break. or tear. or throw. anyway if you want one, i'd be more than happy to make it! it was fun. give me colors. give me a week. give me money. :)

they look too sweet to be crazy. they're charmers. beware.

boring

2009-10-26T10:33:00.000-05:00

last week at the grocery i decided to buy some coffee. i couldn't decide which kind to get, so i got 2 bags. (which i'll probably NEVER finish) i got dunkin donuts and seattle's best cinnabon flavored coffee. today i got down the coffee maker (which is gross from sitting on top of our cabinets for over a year...) scrubbed it down, and made a pot of coffee. ok two. because i put waaay too much coffee grounds in the first one. add some pumpkin spice coffee mate, 3 pieces of cinnamon raisin bread, some stormy weather, and my pajama pants and i'm happy. :) why did i decide to begin this unhealthy, addictive habit? because i'm TIRED. and because i'm a grown up. ok not really. i don't really even know. i may actually be crazy.

we had 5 friends over on friday night and i made savannah's yummy tomato cream sauce meal! thanks again, savannah :) everyone loved it. it was a huge hit! i put rolls in the oven, and when i peeked in to check on them i saw this blinding light coming from the element. i shut the oven, turned it off, and backed away. then i got nathan. (because i'm a big giant baby and just knew something was about to catch on fire or explode...i don't handle situations like that well..) after that we couldn't get the oven to turn back on. once it cooled down we..no he...checked it out. the element was broken and brittle. there were melted drops of metal all along the bottom of the oven. scary. this is why we rent. i'm going to tell the landlord after i clean up the stove a little. one of my eyes is out as well, and it better be fixed by thanksgiving! my parents are coming and we'll need all 4 eyes and will definately need the oven.

two times in the past week we've gotten in nathan's car and it delayed when turning on. nathan thought the battery might be close to dying. since my car hasn't been working for almost a month, we decided to just take my battery out, and take it to napa to have them check both batteries. when he got to my battery he saw that there were some loose connections. he tightened them up and my car started. the same thing has happened 3 times now. just loose connections to the battery. i guess he needs to show me how to tighten them incase it happens again. but, for now, i'm just thankful it's working! when he went to look at his battery, there was a lot of corrosion around the connectors. (i keep saying 'connectors' because i have no idea what anything is) so he's going to clean them off and hope that's what was causing the delay. thank you, Lord, that we didn't have to take either car in.

this is the most boring post ever.

apple crisp

2009-10-22T18:33:00.000-05:00

first. a picture of my new favorite candle. i've gone through 2 already. i found it at heb and LOVE it. want to buy me a present? get me this candle.

so aidan has been learning about apples at school and really wanted to try apple pie. i'm not so much of a pie person, so i decided to make apple crisp. i peeled and sliced up 3 granny smith apples. then let the boys help me put it together, then we baked it. i didn't take a picture of the finished product because i was so excited for it to be finished. and ate about half of it. oops. but it was deeeeelicious. here's the recipe :)

apple crisp

5 cups sliced and peeled apples (3 medium)
2 to 4 tablespoons sugar
1/2 cup regular rolled oats
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg or cinnamon (i used both!)
1/4 cup butter or margarine

place fruit in a 2 quart square baking dish. stir in the granulated sugar. for topping, in a medium bowl combine the oats, brown sugar, flour, and nutmeg/cinnamon. cut in butter until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. sprinkle topping over fruit. bake in a 375 degree oven for 30 to 35 minutes. indulge.

enthrall

2009-10-20T16:50:00.000-05:00

give me a word, a color or two, a week, and $25 and i'll make you one too :) it's 12x12. it's going in our bedroom.

mental health day

2009-10-20T09:08:00.000-05:00

yesterday, nathan took the day off. not for himself, but for me. sunday night we had another hard talk where i tell him how 'out of options' i feel and just how insane i feel. yesterday i woke up feeling exhausted and low. he made me breakfast and sent me back to bed. he took aidan to school and oliver to the park. he brought me chinese food for lunch. then watched an episode of law and order with me. then sent me back to my room for a nap. then we went to the park, came home for dinner, he put the boys to bed for me while i got a movie from hastings. we cuddled and watched the movie then went to bed. incredible, yes? yes. love him.

the medicine is working, i guess. i feel affected. i don't feel "better". i've had a little more energy and motivation. but i've had the same deep dark feelings of hopelessness. i had a string of nightmares last week. 3 nights in a row. i haven't been sleeping very well. besides the nightmares, my mind has been racing. it's a bizarre feeling. i'm exhausted, but i lay there and lay there while my mind runs a hundred miles an hour. i've tried listening to my ipod, but that doesn't help. so i usually end up going to the couch and watching tv until i finally fall asleep. it's frustrating. i'm still only taking 10mg. my doctor told me to start with 20, but it made me feel so sick. last week, i took 20 and felt sick all day. so i'm back at 10. i'll try 20 again in a few days. i'm just ready to feel better.

aidan just loves school. i'm so so so thankful. i was skeptical about head start, but i absolutely love it. he has incredible teachers and is learning a lot. i can't believe how big he is. oliver is still being "terror-oliver", but i guess it's to be expected. i really need to get on the ball with potty training him. ....sigh.....

i'm so enjoying this weather. i absolutely love this time of year.

doodle turned wall hanging.

2009-10-14T14:02:00.000-05:00

it started yesterday. when i was attempting to stay sane. it started with a doodle. and turned into this. which i was so happy with, i put it on a foam board and it will now be hung in our room.

i feel so all over the map. i don't know what i need. i'm managing. the ups and downs are violent and extreme. my poor babies don't know what to make of it. sweethearts.

this week is flying by. i think that's a good thing. :)

war

2009-10-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.
Jimmy Carter, Nobel Lecture, December 10, 2002.

things i've been thinking about. worrying about. crying about.

this one struck me.

baby fever. baby syndrome.

2009-10-12T10:21:00.000-05:00

i want another baby. i know. i KNOW. i have two. and, hello, am i crazy?! yes. yes i am. you wouldn't believe how much i think about having another baby. at first i thought, ok, just baby fever. temporary. but i can't stop thinking about it. i know. C-R-A-Z-Y. did i forget the exhaustion? the never ending pit that was my stomach? the sleepless nights? the swollen feet? the LABOR? the pushing, bloody, painful day that was birth-day? the tearing and stitching? the flabby stomach? the hemorrhoids? the cramping uterus after birth (which was worse than contractions, by the way)? the leaking, engorged, and GIANT boobs? the 2 years i've spent at the gym slaving to get my stomach to just suck back in?? the never.ending.screaming? the never.ending.feeding? the 3 (then 4) months i spent NOT SLEEPING. like AT ALL. the ridiculous amount of STUFF i had to cart around to go ANYWHERE? the spit up, projectile pooping, never ending wiping, snot, and helplessness that is a baby? nope. didn't forget.

i also didn't forget the smell of their heads. oh.my.gosh. the smell of their heads. my uterus just skipped a beat. and the tiny toes. and the baby noises they make when they're eating. and the sweetness that is breastfeeding. there's nothing like it. and the fat little thighs? oh my. and the hours i got to hold them, rock them and sing to them. i would sit and watch them sleep, even though i was exhausted. i couldn't get enough. and the midnight, 1am, 2am, 4am, etc...feedings. as exhausted as i was, i treasured those quiet moments feeding and bonding with my child, my blessing. and the smell of their heads. the first smiles, the milestones of rolling over, sitting up, sleeping through the night. and the joy they bring to my life as i watch them grow, learn, and be silly, sunny boys.

ok. most days i wish i could just have a MINUTE alone. i think i'm so ready for a break, i'd cry with happiness if someone offered to keep them. for a MONTH. my house would be clean. oh my gosh, my house would be clean. i'd get a date with my husband. my laundry would be greatly reduced. i could take a long shower. i could SLEEP IN. oh but they're precious. what's wrong with me. i'm so crazy.

sometimes i think maybe i want one so bad because i want to do one "right". this may sound absolutely NUTS. but with aidan, obviously, it was terrible. the entire thing. nothing good. at all. nothing. nothing. nothing. worst time of my life. with oliver, i showed nathan the positive test and he cried. desperately, terribly, cried. and then i cried myself to sleep for 4 months. and my mom's reaction was 'oh no, hilary, what are you going to do?!' my dad said 'congratulations' in the most pained and forced voice EVER. my grandmother asked why we weren't more careful. and he was LEGITIMATE. maybe not well timed, but legitimate. i want to PLAN to have a baby. i want to be excited to take the pregnancy test. i want people to be excited. by people i mean my family. i want to paint and decorate a nursery. i'm nuts. this is ridiculous. when i told nathan i wanted another he had to hold himself back from slapping me. and maybe he should have just slapped me.

do you know which one is aidan and which is oliver? :)

painting pumpkins

2009-10-08T11:58:00.000-05:00

what a fun night painting pumpkins! oliver had fun painting himself. notice the leg. i think this is a good alternative to scooping out stringy goop and using sharp knives. :) for now.

in other news...i haven't felt nauseous today! i've felt a little dizzy and sleepy (but that may have something to do with the boys being up multiple times last night....AGAIN) but no queasy nasty-ness! i hope that continues. and i had a great morning with oliver. and i cleaned my windows. amazing. :)

excuse me.

2009-10-07T13:13:00.000-05:00

a rant. because i don't do it enough. psshhh.

first. this medication. driving me CRAZY. isn't it for crazy people? to make them sane? ok. well it's making me crazy(er). not sane(er). possible side effects are: decreased sexual desire or ability. great. this and increased sweating (??? how would you know on days like yesterday. heat index of 105. humidity at 75%. SERIOUSLY.) are the only side effects that haven't bothered me in the past 3, yes THREE, days of medication. the side effects i have experienced are: diarrhea (TMI. sorry.), dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, lightheadedness when you stand or sit up (not even a joke), loss of appetite, nausea, stuffy nose, tiredness. my head is spinning. which has caused this foggy headache that won't go away. the tiredness--oh don't even get me started. the last 2 nights...terrible. i feel like i took an ambien but i cannot fall asleep for anything. my eyes won't stay open, my body is heavy as lead, i'm exhausted. my brain? will.not.stop. so i lay there, half conscious. wishing someone would knock me out with a skillet. the dry mouth? yeah. ate a cookie yesterday and all the spit left my mouth instantly. i was sucking on dirt. it just crumbled and i had to drink juice to get it down. GROSS. the stuffy nose? my sinus cavity is producing mucus to no end. drainage, drainage, drainage. last but not least...nausea. oh.my.gosh. nausea. if i yawn, i gag. if i sit up or stand up i feel like i may fall down and vomit. it comes in waves. during the worst of it i felt tingling on the back of my neck and that final thought of 'WHERE IS THE BUCKET BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO BLOW'. i hate it. hate it. hate it. luckily, i've been able to eat and haven't actually thrown up. please oh please, body, stop hating me. i'm trying to help you. so i've cut the dose in half. i'm only taking 10mg a day WITH lunch. ha. i'll go back to 20mg in a few days as soon as this becomes manageable. i'm doing it for my health, i'm doing it for my health. i'm doing it for my kids. for my husband. repeat.

sorry about that.

on to another rant. because i haven't slept in 2 weeks. (that's a lie. i've slept. but it's been interrupted by 4 year olds. and 2 year olds. and wetting the bed (by the 4 year old. geez.) and medication) also because i'm feeling overwhelmed. and my husband hasn't been home in days. and because i just have to get it out. excuse me.

there's food on the floor. IN THE LIVINGROOM. and i need to vacuum. and mop. because there's food in there too. my sink is full of dirty dishes. my dishwasher is full of clean ones and because i am lacking motivation, i haven't emptied it. (but i did do ALL the laundry yesterday. i even folded it. it's neatly sitting in a basket. where it will sit for 3 more days. but i did it.) the bathroom hasn't been cleaned in over a week. um. gross. i WILL be doing that before i collapse on the couch tonight. my apartment needs to be painted. and my carpets need to be cleaned. but my landlord is a man-hole. BOTH boys' mattresses need to be replaced. my car is broken. i've been driving nathan's for almost 2 weeks. i just love crawling into the backseat of the smallest hatchback EVER to buckle my kids in in 105 degree weather with 75% humidity. YES. oliver has decided that now would be an appropriate time to begin the dreaded 'terrible twos'. at 2 years and 5 months. great oliver. just great. i hope you read this in 15 years and feel bad. because today at the dentists' office, where you threw the most horrible SCREAMING fit ever, i almost left you there. and then when you screamed, shrill scream-ing screamed, at me in the car all the way home, i almost dropped you off at a gas station. STOP IT. bring back sweet, cuddly, precious little oliver. (i still love you). nathan and i have a date planned for friday but we have no money. like actually have no money. like selling-plasma-to-buy-gas-no-money. like shut-vents-and-close-doors-no-money. so we can't go "out". my face is breaking out. i've gained EIGHT POUNDS. i am now 118. um. i've got a pillowcase packed of essentials just in case i decide to run away. just like when i was 7. because i'm about to.

WHERE IS MY MARGARITA.

so far so good..

2009-10-06T12:48:00.000-05:00

so far so good today :) i cut it in half and snuck it in during my BIG lunch. last night was miserable. nathan came home, i went to bed and napped off and on for 2 hours, got up to eat and cuddle, went back to bed at 9:30. i felt exhausted but my mind was racing. i felt like i'd downed an energy drink on an empty stomach. shaky, queasy, CRAZY. i fell asleep for good at 3-ish and 5 minutes later it was 7am and time to get up. WHAT. so needless to say i was a little afraid to try it again today. it's been an hour and i'm still feeling good. :) what a blessing. yesterday was gross.

nathan won't be home until after 10 tonight. he left at 7:30. blah.

it's days like yesterday (and today) that i wish my mom was closer!

monday

2009-10-05T15:20:00.000-05:00

went to the doctor this morning and she gave me celexa. i picked it up and took it, put oliver down for a nap, then ate lunch. then at about 1:30 i felt like someone reached down my throat and was squeezing my stomach. i felt BAD. on the way to get aidan i had to pull over thinking 'this is IT'. luckily i've been able to hold it in. we got home and i've just been sitting very still on the couch. i took 1/2 a phenergen because i just felt THAT bad. i hate feeling neaseous. i'm terrified of it. that's pathetic, i know. but i hate it. can't explain how much. so i called the pharmasist and he said i shouldn't take it on an empty stomach. duh. it doesn't say that on the bottle, but still, DUH. so tomorrow i'll eat one big meal and take the pill right in the middle. because i'm a giant baby and feel that bad. hopefully tomorrow will be better :) i'm feeling better right now, but i'm also feeling pretty drowsy. one more hour until nathan gets home. one.more.hour.

i've seen (on my facebook stalking) that a LOT of people are sick with the flu. i'm taking my vitamins. and i'm giving my kids their vitamins. all of us are getting a surplus of vitamin c. i've been really careful about washing hands and also careful about where we go that's public and closed in. hasn't made the rainy days easy. i'm thankful for our health...right now anyway! to everyone who's sick right now, i hope you feel better quickly! i also hope you have someone to relieve you of your job/kids/housework.

my love. warning. gag factor.

2009-10-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

high school...january 2005...cooper homecoming
and last week...with the star king.

hold your breath.
remember this.
and i promise you that.
i will give.
and love you with.
all of my heart.
and be the one.
you can lose yourself in.
-rie sinclair

if you don't know who rie sinclair is, look her up on itunes and download a song. she's like a softer, sweeter norah jones if that's possible. i love her music.

this post is for my darling husband who never fails me. we met in june of 2004 and didn't spend more than a day apart that entire summer. i was pregnant by january 2005 and had aidan in august of 2005. he proposed december 2005 and we got married in june 2006. and were pregnant with oliver by september 2006. everyone was so skeptical of us and our relationship but looking back i can totally see why. we were inseparable, acting like a married couple before we were, and were so young. the odds were, and still very much are, against us. but i love him so much it's almost gross.

i love him more now than i did that first summer. i love him more now than i did 6 months ago. he's an incredible father. he's goofy, loud, and will play any game the boys can think up. he builds fantastic forts, plays in the rain and has mud fights with them, builds extensive train tracks, and tall towers. he reads to them and lets them paint pictures. he's an incredible father.

he is my best friend and my lover. when i'm on the floor and can't breathe he holds me and calms me like nothing else can. i tell him everything. he tries to understand. he never judges, never hurts. he's faithful and so precious to me.

he's brilliant, persistent, hard working, and honest. i'm so incredibly proud of him.

my sweet, my love, my heart.

i'm thinkin it's a sign
that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images
and when we kiss
they're perfectly aligned
and i
have to speculate
that God himself did make us into
corresponding shapes
like puzzle pieces from the clay
and true it may seem like a stretch
but it's thoughts like this
that catch my troubled
head when you're away
when i am missin you to death
they will see us waving from such great heights
come down now
they'll say
but everything looks perfect from far away
come down now
but we'll stay
-such great heights by iron & wine

oliver STINK

2009-10-02T11:07:00.000-05:00

this morning was fun. instead of my planned gym visit, oliver drank ibuprofen. how he got the lid off, i don't know. so i called the doctor who told me to go to the er. i go to the er and was there for TWO hours. the doctor was very nice, and very understanding. the nurses were mean. :( i know they get people in there all the time on medicaid that go for non-emergency issues and i can imagine it's super frustrating. they were just snooty to us. i wouldn't have gone if the doctor hadn't told me to. the nurse said 'oh they all do that, just send people over here, it's their automatic response even when it's not necessary'. just little comments like that. so frustrating. and there was a lady across the hall from us vomiting. a LOT. i think i'll skip lunch. anyway the doctor was wonderful, and even though we were there for too long, i'm thankful i can go get oliver good medical care when we need it. he's fine, and we're back home.

i'm tired of watching the 'un-credibles'.

i'm so glad it's cool outside :)

mom's procedure went well and everything is ok. relief.

i need a caffe capri date with nathan. desperately.

happy friday.

untitled.two.

2009-09-28T21:22:00.000-05:00

**i posted some stuff about my nightmares...so when i tell you to skip it, skip it. if you can't get through gory movies. seriously.**

so this picture i drew for nathan. he asked me to make a cover for his everyday binder and this is what he got. not sure it's what he wanted. it's got the song 'tonight, tonight' by the smashing pumpkins down the side. i love to write out the lyrics of songs. i have probably 20 pages like this. the face is me, hopefully you could tell. i'm not very good with drawing, especially realistic things. the lyrics that make up the 'hair' are various love songs mixed with a few sad songs. the tear drop of dates are milestone/important dates throughout our relationship. the picture as a whole came out a little 'darker' than i wanted it to. but either way, it's mine. well his.

i've been doing better. to rephrase...i've been doing better on my better days and worse on my worse days. a lot of things have been 'clicking' lately. some of those things are:
-i can't change people. i've learned...quickly...to accept that certain people are just going to be "certain" people. i'm sorry that's vague. can't elaborate. but it's been a major point in the last few weeks.
-my past happened, can't be changed, and you can't be mad about the past! i mean...nobody's mad about the louisiana purchase! (friends' reference...anyone?!) i'm not serious about the not being mad about the past thing. i just have watched friends too many times. that's one of the major things i've struggled with...being mad about the past. i'm mad about being raped at 17. i'm mad that it sent me into a spiral i've yet to stand up completely from. i'm still bitter over how i was treated when i was pregnant with aidan. i'm mad that nothing is "normal" in my life. it's just not how i thought it would be. i know nobody's life is exactly what they thought...and even if it is, it's not always great. got it. ok, but, i'm working on it. and i've made incredible progress from where i was a year ago. or two. or three. or five.
-i'm learning who God is by observing the people in my life and the path my life is taking. i'm also becoming increasingly frustrated with people who claim it and don't live it. i'm not living it completely, i'm not whole-heartedly jumping in right now, so i'm not claiming it. before i get people praying for my salvation, hear me out. when i see a sunset. or a baby. or a tree. or my child's heart. i see only GOD. when my husband comes home before he's done studying to hold me because i can't stand up i feel only BLESSINGS of GOD. when i feel overwhelmed.or so sad i'm sure i can't go on another second.or stressed to the point of vomiting.or so angry i scream into my husband's clothes in the closet.i PRAY to GOD to pull me out of it and pull me up. we've visited various churches including grace bible church, living hope baptist church, parkway baptist, and aldersgate methodist. i'm not home yet. for the a&m coc readers, we left almost a year ago and for many different reasons. maybe i'll elaborate later..or if you want to know just ask...but this post will be long enough as it is.
-i'm realizing how amazing my husband is. how meant for each other we are. how sexy he is. how supportive he is. how strong he is. how smart.loving.sweet.precious.practical.perfect for me.he is. i love him. so much i can't breathe when i think about it.
-i'm realizing GOD put me here. gave me ALL THIS. the crap. the blessings. the joys. the tears. because he knew i could handle it. and i am. maybe not very well, but i am. some days it takes a hug. some days it takes a glass of wine. some days it takes an intense workout. some days it takes a glass of vodka. some days it takes a visit to my counselor. (who is incredible, by the way. he's brought me so far) all days it takes music. love. smiles. prayers. constant correcting of thoughts. support.
on the down side...
-i had the worst day i've had in a long time. that day included..but was not limited to..staying in bed. for hours. and hours. running out the front door in tears not knowing where to go. crying. sobbing. screaming. not wanting to live. wishing i could dig a hole. just big enough for me. and never.ever.leave. screaming at my children. screaming at my husband. my husband crying harder than i've ever seen out of desperation..out of not knowing what to do with me. out of being scared, and tired. yes...one of "those" days. but it ended with a walk in a park. a chinese-food-on-the-couch-date (one of my favs), and best of all...LOVE. from my boys. all three. it's such a roller coaster.

-my nightmares are still coming. there's no pattern. no regularity. no trigger. nothing. i've actually had FAMILY say 'oh it can't be that bad...' realllly? you do this. every day. (there's the bitter-ness i was talking about....) in my nightmares i am raped, i am stabbed, i am chased, i am possessed. here's the detail...seriously...if you're squeamish don't read it.
--i had one in which i was pregnant, chased down by a man with a knife, who then cut my stomach open...the baby fell out...the baby was dead...and he forced me to nurse it.
--another i cut my arms open during a screaming rage and the blood was black. and i shoved it in nathan's face.
--2 nights ago it was me being chased by a man through a warehouse (the usual setting...dark...lots of small rooms...no place to hide) and he was slashing at me with a knife. i had intestines hanging out, fat/muscle/blood falling to the floor but i kept running.
--i had a dream a man made me choose between my children, i chose aidan, and had to eat the arm of oliver.
--i've had dreams where my children are killed while i watch. or listen.
--i've had dreams where men i know rape me while people watch and don't help.
--the ones with demon possession are the worst. i won't describe those. they're horrific.
it's absolutely disgusting. i don't watch horror movies, or slasher movies, or demon possession movies. i absolutely can't. i don't know where they come from. i can see the root of some of them. in counseling i've been told that it's emotions i feel (being trapped, being alone, the rape, and the hard choices i've made) played out with very dark emotions by my creative mind. it haunts me, plagues me, and scares the SHIT out of me. i can barely be alone at night. so many images. there's not much i can do about them. the first one i had when i was 16. i saw myself 'suicided' in every room of my house in a different way. the dream was flashes of images like in a scary movie. i ran out of the house. nathan has learned to wake me up if he thinks i'm having a dream. he says my breathing changes..either i'm panting or gasping...and sometimes i moan or talk. it's gross. it's terrible. i HATE it.

ok i'm done. with the gross-ness.

so on monday i have an appointment with my doctor to talk about getting on a medication again. i'm going to try the smallest dosage, the trial dosage. i don't want to be numbed or completely dumped on my head like with the prozac. so i'm going to try a small amount and see if that'll take the edge off. of everything. kind of balance it out. my body just doesn't make enough serotonin. i accept that. it's a mental illness. i accept that. it's a long-term, long-standing, major depression. plus some anxiety. i accept that. i may need a small dosage of medicine for awhile. i accept that. i'm doing it for my kids. for my marriage. for my health. (in all areas...thanks dad)

i feel clear-headed. i feel like i can handle it. i just need a tiny boost. and a friend. and a margarita.

food. and cards.

2009-09-28T12:49:00.000-05:00

savannah, i made your tomato cream sauce meal and it was DELICIOUS. it made wonderful leftovers too :) i stole your picture because i dug in without thinking about taking a picture. everyone should try this, it's so very yummy! thanks, savannah, for sharing all your delicious recipes! for the recipe (and many more) check out savannah's blog.
i had some extra time this weekend to sit down and make some cards. this is what i came up with. the baby ones are part of an order for jenny..gender neutral baby cards...and the others are christmas and a wedding card i made over a year ago. i just love playing around with it :)
the color turned out funky on all of these...it's a combination of my camera and the lighting...
the colors are really bad on this one...it's chocolate brown with a pastel green...not pea like it looks like.
my personal favorite :) teal card, grey elephant. all these are blank inside. i'm not THAT creative. i prefer blank cards and bright colors and that tends to come out in my cards.
both of these have a little glitter on them. i HATE glitter. hate it. but it just wouldn't be complete without it. so the above one has white glitter on the white stripes. below, the trees are embossed with green glitter embossing powder.

simple, plain wedding card. i used toole for the skirt. beads in the middle.

i'm pretty sure i haven't gotten off the couch all day. i haven't even put my contacts on yet. it's embarrassing. i'm going to put on my contacts, wash my face, and listen to my ipod to get some motivation. blah.

THE CURE...and more creative-ness.

2009-09-18T21:37:00.000-05:00

alrighty girls...this'll cure anything.
easy candy-bar treats
1/2 cup butter
1/3 cup unsweetend cocoa powder
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup milk
3 1/2 cups sifted powdered sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
30 caramels, unwrapped
1 tablespoon water
2 cups unsalted peanuts
1/2 cup semisweet chocolate pieces
1/2 cup milk chocolate pieces

*line a 9x9x2 or 11x7x1.5 inch baking pan with foil, extending the foil over the edges of the pan. butter the foil; set pan aside.
*in a medium saucepan melt butter over medium heat. stir in cocoa powder, brown sugar, and milk. bring to boiling. remove from heat; stir in powdered sugar and vanilla. spread in prepared pan. in another saucepan melt caramels with water over low heat; stir in peanuts. gently and quickly spread over fudge layer in pan. in a small saucepan melt semisweet and milk chocolate pieces over low heat, stirring constantly. spread over peanut layer.
*score into pieces while warm **very important! it was so so so hard to cut. we left in a hurry and i just stuck it in the fridge.** cover and chill for 2 to 3 hours or until bottom is firm. use foil to lift candy out of pan. cut into pieces. store tightly covered in the fridge for up to 3 weeks.

seriously...it's amazing.

sangria
1 lemon
1 lime
1 orange
1 peach
maraschino cherries
1 1/2 cups spiced rum
1/4 cup sugar
1 cup orange juice
1 bottle red wine (try blackberry!)

*slice the lemon, lime, orange, and peach and put in the bottom of a large pitcher. add cherries. add sugar and rum, cover, and chill for 2 hours.
*add orange juice and wine (make sure to chill the wine prior to adding)
*i added a 20oz bottle of sprite...because...well...it's basically rum spiked wine.
garnish with lime slices

i made that card for our neighbor who got her aggie ring today. we don't know them very well yet, but it gave me an excuse to make a card. :) they are really sweet people. i see a potential babysitter :) and the purse i made just playing around. i didn't use a pattern and i also don't have a mat with a rotary cutter...so the seams are NOT straight. good thing it's not a close up picture. because it's not that pretty. but it works. and it's me. and it's so colorful :)

pictures from the park

2009-09-18T08:41:00.000-05:00

i took the boys to the park last night and made a game of chasing them and "catching" them by snapping their pictures. made for some GREAT pictures. these boys melt my heart.

procrastinating..

2009-09-16T12:53:00.000-05:00

i meant to add to that last post that if anyone is interested in buying some cards from me, let me know! it can be anything...something i've already made or just give me a theme or color scheme and i'd love to play around with it until i come up with something. i'm selling them 5 for $10. all the proceeds will go towards nathan's aggie ring which we get to order in november! whooop! he's worked SO hard for it and it feels good to be on the other side of the hump. those things are so expensive. we've got a savings jar started :) buy some cards from me. save nathan another hour of plasma donating. because i don't like his plasma donating. email me at hilarycunningham@ymail.com or leave a comment on the blog :)

i'm headed to abilene on saturday for acu's lectureship...now called summit. i've been to lectureship almost every year since i was old enough to sit there. when i was 4 i threw my mom's string of pearls and hit a lady in the head. i used to dread lectureship. i was kicked out of my room so my grandparents could stay in there and i'd have to go to an hour and a half of church every night for 4 nights straight. bleh. i quite enjoy it now, the classes are neat and they have so much to offer. and the nightly lectures are wonderful...the singing is by far my favorite.

i had a rough weekend. i felt really low. what else is new. but it was really bad this weekend. today perked up a little..i took oliver to kohls to try to find some work out pants but they're so expensive! so i had to give that up. then we went to wolf pen and walked the trails. oliver terrorized rolly pollys. and we fed the turtles cheerios. i'm feeling better today than i have in several days.

i'm procrastinating. on EVERYTHING.

more of my amateur creative-ness and a birthday

2009-09-15T10:21:00.000-05:00

cd covers. we have a stack 3 feet high of cd covers. so i put them to good use. the 'love' sign in diff colors i posted about earlier and this. i made it for nathan. it's what my heart looks like. it's in our living room.
a set of thank you cards i made for nathan to send out after his birthday
a set of cards i made for ms. donna :)
a poster board size..love notes, first pictures, and movie stubs from my high school romance with nathan. up until the bad stuff. bad stuff being pregnancy.
birthday card i made for nathan's sister
cards i made for my mom to give to a friend for her bday
if any of you have ever played catan, look at the beauty that is these 2 games. i was red. and i dominated. dominated 2 boys who taught me the game and who have beat me every.single.time...until now. TWICE. i never get to win. hence the incesscent bragging.

also, nathan turned 23 on sept 7th. we took an adorable picture (below) and i thought we were being clever making a "23" with our fingers but we made a 32. when we're 32 aidan will be 13. so we took the above picture with the correct "23", but nathan wasn't cooporating. either way, now we're both 23.

first day of school pictures

2009-09-04T16:35:00.000-05:00

just a quick blog post...aidan's first day of head start was thursday, sept 3rd. he walked right in and didn't even look back. i almost ran after him. he loves his teachers and friends! and oliver enjoyed playing with ALL the toys as much as he wanted :) my mom has been here this whole week just soaking up grand-baby love. dad's on his way here right now and will take her home tomorrow. we've had a great week together. i'm looking forward to the "routine" which will hopefully start next week! i've gained 8 pounds in the past month. i'm terrified. more to come later... :) and that last picture is for you, katelyn!

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...insane

2009-08-24T14:24:00.000-05:00

FIVE needle holes in my child

FOUR appointments i've had to cancel today

THREE nurses that had to hold down my child

TWO calls to the state of texas

ONE crazy momma

for aidan's 4 year old well checkup, he needed 3 shots and one blood test. we went to the health department for the shots then headed to his appointment across town. i'd assured him there would be no more needles. at the appointment i found out head start required a hemoglobin test. fun. aidan was "non compliant" for his vision and hearing tests (which occurred before the digging in his arm) and had to be referred to two specialists. then another nurse and i held him down for his blood test. he kicked, screamed, and spit so we had to go to another lab downstairs where there were extra nurses. the second nurse was great with him, and i thought he might do a bit better but the second she put that tourniquet on he was back to tantrum. she got it, but it took some work. i had snot on my pants. luckily it doesn't bother me too much to have to hold him down.

i took him to get a big ice cream cone from dairy queen, naturally.

i am so tired of dealing with the state of texas. i'm so very thankful for medicaid and food stamps and all they have provided for us. if it weren't for those programs, i wouldn't be able to stay home with my kids and they would most likely be uninsured. but oh my word i'm tired of all the paperwork. every time i have to renew or re-apply something gets messed up. the kids have been uninsured since july 31st and will have coverage again on september 1st. i had 5 appointments scheduled for them this month. OF COURSE. i went to the one this morning but had to cancel the other 4. i re-scheduled 2 of them..the appointments were on august 31st OF COURSE. and they didn't have any openings until october 7th. OF COURSE. but again, i'm so very thankful for these programs. it's just frustrating to keep up with them. i don't understand how so many people can be scamming them, we've had such a difficult time and we're doing it right!

so i have a headache.

nathan is off this week. school starts for him on august 31st. i won't see him for 9 months. i miss him already.

aidan's teacher is coming for a home visit on wednesday morning. i'm looking forward to it. open house is thursday afternoon. i'm anxious and uneasy but am also thankful, again, for state programs like head start. :)

zebra toes

2009-08-20T14:34:00.000-05:00

guess what oliver did during "quiet time"? that's right. blue sharpie on the carpet, drawers, arms, and yes. zebra toes. stink stink stink.

aidan has been collecting geotrax for a year now. he got some new tracks from mrs. donna yesterday and went to work building a city! i had some fun playing with it too :)

in other news...aidan starts preschool on september 3rd. we've put him in the head start program. i'm skeptical, but i've heard some really good things about it so we're giving it a shot. he needs something, he's ready for preschool but we can't afford a private one. he'll be at the rock prairie elementary school. it's a full day program, it's going to take some getting used to! i am looking forward to one on one time with oliver.

aidan alexander

2009-08-18T13:12:00.000-05:00

my sweet aidan turns four tomorrow, august 19th. nathan and i have grown so much in the past 4 years because of this sweet little guy. he's shown us how much we can love another human being. he's a clown, he's active, he's a ham, and he's so very precious.

i've never shared his birth story on my blog, and i enjoy reading others' birth stories, so here goes.

his original due date was september 27, 2005. the first week of august we were on our way back from dallas where we had met with the family we'd chosen to adopt aidan. i kept having contractions, but just figured they were false labor since he wasn't due for another month and a half. they continued through the night so the next morning i went to the hospital (on orders from the doctor) and they quickly discovered i was dilated to a 2 and aidan was only a pound. they needed to stop the labor, so gave me meds and put me on bed rest in the hospital so they could monitor me because aidan was so small and undeveloped. all i did for those 10 days was eat and sleep. it was during my 10 day visit that we decided to keep aidan. another story.

they let me go with aidan being 3 pounds and some ounces. they ordered me to stay on bed rest until he came. since we decided to keep him, my parents had asked me to move out. so no way could i stay on bed rest, i had to pack. i spent the whole day packing and that night went to dinner with nathan's parents and grandparents for an anniversary or birthday or something. i had contractions the whole day...stupid me. i didn't want to go to the hospital and them send me home...i was determined not to be one of "those". also i was just stupid. during dinner i could barely sit still i was in so much pain.

by the 10 o'clock news, the contractions were only a few minutes apart and hurt so bad i would have to stop talking or sit down. my mom didn't think there was anything to worry about. it wasn't until i started crying because of the pain that she decided to time them, and when she realized what was happening she took me to the hospital. it was 11pm.

they admitted me and i was at a SIX. that's right. SIX. my water still hadn't broken, so they went ahead and did that to speed it up because i hadn't signed up for the epidural and they said i couldn't have any meds. that's right. i'm at a SIX i can have NO MEDS, and i'm having a baby tonight. i call nathan panicked at that point and he checks in at midnight. because i was a) stupid b)19 c) in denial i was actually going to have to give birth and d) stupid, i hadn't read a single book, i hadn't planned anything. i was just going to get the epidural and be done with it. i purposely didn't do any research because i just didn't want to know. i was going to have him, sign the papers giving up my parental rights, and go to college in a month. i'll say it again. stupid. TERRIFIED.

and so commenced the longest 2 and a half hours of my life. and the loudest. i screamed...the whole time. i held mom's belt and nathan's forearm and screamed for 2 and a half hours. it was terrible. i've never been in so much pain. i have a pretty high thresh hold of pain, but with no training and no knowledge of the different stages of labor, i was up shit creek. i actually thought i was going to die. no joke. die. i made it to a 10 and pushed for less than 5 minutes and there he was. thank you God for a fast labor. interesting fact..my doctor wasn't available that night, so the doctor that delivered aidan was the same doctor that delivered me and my brother from my mom.

aidan alexander cunningham was born at 2:34am on august 19th, 2005 weighing 4 pounds 14 ounces and 19 and a quarter inches long.

after all the "after" stuff i felt so incredible. talk about energy and euphoria! i was up walking to the nursery every 30 minutes, while nathan was passed out in the room. they took him straight to the nicu because he wasn't able to eat on his own. everything was developed (lungs, heart, brain etc..), but his ability to swallow and breathe simultaneously wasn't. so he was in the hospital for 3 weeks to the day. that time was really a blessing because we got to have a shower and get prepared to bring aidan home. also, they got him on an incredible schedule...sleeping a 6 hour night at 3 weeks. God knew what i needed.

nothing about his birth was happy. everything was uncomfortable, awkward, hard, messy, and full of disappointment and uncertainty. it was a terrible time. i was used to it at least. there's my depressing paragraph for the day.

after all that here we are. facing many of the same feelings and issues but the most overpowering feeling is deep love for this sweet child who has impacted us more than we know. he's so wonderful in every way. he's the biggest blessing of my life. (so far anyway) he is an incredible little boy and i love him with all that i am. so thank you, God, for the past 4 years and for this beautiful blessing of life.

the stuff people throw away...

2009-08-12T13:21:00.000-05:00

found this in the trash...cleaned it up and painted it black. amazing what people throw away.
this is the size of a full foam board. it's love notes, movie tickets, soccer game stubs, and a few pictures from our high school days :)
nathan and his crazy friends. they're so creepy.
this is a red velvet cake with a sheep-pig drawn on it...and some red food coloring. we watched a zombie-sheep movie...it was really dumb. but hilarious because we made comments through the whole thing. another fun night with friends :)
a better shot of my healed up tattoo

sweet oliver ate that whole apple including the core. is it just me or is he absolutely adorable?!

my first 'things i like' post. and randomness.

2009-08-07T14:32:00.000-05:00

love love love this stuff. perfect for lazy days.
i've found that it makes a giant difference what kind of shampoo i use. my hair is picky. so patene is about the only thing i've found that'll do the trick.
i use vinegar for cleaning EVERYTHING. i soak my eye-tin things in it, mop the floors with it, clean the bathroom, toilet, and shower with it...everything. it does better than my other cleaning products and it's WAY cheaper. it only takes a cup in a sink full of hot water to mop the floors. it doesn't smell great but i light a candle and the smell disappears pretty quickly.
i've found my love of red wine this summer. i've never been able to drink wine, just never liked it. but this stuff is great. and it's only $9.00 at heb. fabulous.
i bought some crystal light with caffeine. the flavor is wild strawberry. it has 60mg of caffeine per serving. it's pretty hardcore for crystal light. a 12oz coke has 34mg of caffeine. yeahh...i think i'll have to space those out. i also have fruit punch and orange sunrise. it's much easier to drink than just plain water. i've never been a water drinker. i know crystal light isn't the best for me, but if it's not crystal light, its koolaid or coke.

i thought it'd be fun to make a 'things i like' post. i always like reading other peoples posts about things they use and like. so there's that. now for some random updates...

nathan's last day of summer school was today. his final was the practice quiz he did last night. (linear algebra) he's so brilliant.

i took the boys to the library and let them get bob the builder, a movie about noah, and batman from the 80's. aidan thinks he is batman. he told the heb checker today (when asked what his names was) that he was aidan the batman. he told her his first name was aidan, and his last, batman.

i'll leave for abilene in the morning for a weekend of jewlery making and scrapbooking with nathan's mom. i'll be there for only 24 hours. boo. but nathan is keeping the kids so i can go by myself!! i was going to take the boys and leave them with my parents and actually have an entire week off but yeah...that's not happening.

happy friday :)

4th summer

2009-08-06T21:22:00.000-05:00

more juices

2009-08-05T10:04:00.001-05:00

i made these cards yesterday...not for any specific purpose other than to distract myself from an otherwise terrible day. lots to do today..zero motivation...as usual. blah.

galveston

2009-08-02T21:57:00.000-05:00

friday we left college station and headed to the woodlands to have dinner with klein's parents. (the group to galveston consisted of travis, klein, nathan, and me. klein and travis are nathan's friends from school...who this summer have become just as much my friends as his. well maybe not just as much. but close.) klein's parents had wanted to meet the boys, and made a wonderful dinner for us. we then took the boys to deanna's mom's house for the weekend. deanna and her mom, donna, were so sweet to offer to watch the boys a few weeks back and the weekends worked out perfectly. what bravery to take on my boys for 2 nights and 2 days.deanna and her husband were our first neighbors at our apartment. we shared internet, friends' dvd's and lots of chatting. she put up with me through the pregnancy with oliver and, amazingly, at the end of it threw me a shower. (i wasn't a nice person for about 8.5 months. i was waitressing almost full time, pregnant and not wanting to be, and generally in a bad mood. that's putting it mildly.) anyway i miss her, she's a wonderful friend. she's indallas now. so we take them over there, they happily wave goodbye and we go back to klein's for the night. settlers of catan and wonderful conversation followed.

the next morning we woke up (naturally! with no children! no peeking eyes! no demands for food!) and had wonderful omelettes made by klein's mom then headed to galveston. we splashed in the water, sat in chairs and watched people pass, had a mud fight, found hermit crabs (which are really yucky looking), drankjones soda, and all got a sunburn. it was so refreshing. i think i need that once a week to stay sane. we drove 30 minutes to our hotel to shower and get ready for dinner. there was a huge mirror the length of the wall above the beds. it was a dark mirror withflorescent lights above it. it was creepy. we actually got online to research double sided mirrors vs regular mirrors. seriously, creepy.

anyway we all got cleaned up and went to this italian place that travis and nathan went last summer when they were there for their nasa project. it was so very yummy! the bread was amazing...5 loaves amazing, plus a pizza appetizer, a bottle of wine, and delicious pasta...it was so great. then the boys wanted to go to a bookstore...i wasn't feeling the bookstore thing...especially after they started talking about finding video games or an arcade or something...i knew it would end up being a 3 hour deal. so they took me back to the hotel because cable in mypjs is a special treat. i thoroughly enjoyed discovery health's 'trauma' and law and order criminal intent and svu! it was spectacular.

today we got up and went to the flight museum in galveston. nathan loved it. got lots of pictures. then taco cabana for lunch, back to the woodlands, back here. i dropped nathan straight off at school. i have to go pick him up at 1. stinky. something else stinky is that my mom agreed to watch the boys for a week, then called tonight and said she couldn't.nathan was going to take a week off work. we had so much planned. i'm feeling all kinds of negative things about that. pretty irritated. i'm not going to rant tonight. so i'll leave you with a few pictures of the ride home.

that would be aidan the batman and oliver stink at their best. :)

juices

2009-07-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

creative juices, that is! it's the first time in awhile that i've sat down to make cards. i made thank you cards. on the purple one, that is a sheer creamy-white ribbon across the flowers. looks funny in the picture, but it's a neat effect on the card! i don't know why the colors didn't come out very well. the one with the flower on it is a bright coral with black. the one with the hearts is red, black, and white. the purple one is purple and teal. anyway just wanted to share my pretty cards! :) i love sitting down and being creative. i need to do it more.

also, i can't wait for this weekend...galveston!! with no children!!! :) YAY!

love, doodle, and stink

2009-07-26T22:16:00.000-05:00

i love my boys. all 3 of them. so thankful to have them in my life.

my birthday and a tattoo

2009-07-24T23:49:00.000-05:00

this morning the boys and i headed to shipley's for donuts. it was great until a table of girls...3 under the age of 10...started singing every taylor swift song. at full volume. gag. so we left. the day wasn't so hot. cleaning, fussing, boys didn't nap...etc. adult birthdays aren't as fun as kid birthdays. :) anyway w & d came over to watch the kids and brought mcdonalds and movies. what a treat! nathan and i spontaneously went to get me a tattoo which was really exciting! i've been wanting another for a long time. my first one is a four leaf clover on my right hip. i got it for aidan. the one i got tonight starts on my left shoulder blade and ends about 2 inches above my pants line. the butterfly is purple and in the wings are the letters 'noah'. i chose the butterfly because i love the amazing process of metamorphosis. it's amazing that such a drastic and beautiful change can occur. 'noah' has gone through so many changes together. we're growing up together, learning together, struggling together, and loving together. i chose purple for my mom. even though she doesn't support my love of tattoos. she does love purple. and she does love me. the words say 'what you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful'. they are written in my handwriting. i scribbled it out real quick as an example for the tattoo artist and loved it. the lyrics are from the song 'slide' by the goo goo dolls. i've loved that song since middle school. i have some great memories associated with it. and it holds such great meaning to me today. the tattoo is vertically written down my back if you can't tell. the pictures aren't the best. it's hard to get a modest one, so we took pictures in pieces. this tattoo is for and about my family. when i pull out of this dark spot, i hope to get another one. maybe of a scripture that pulls me through. i love tattoos. i love the unique-ness of them. i love the meaning and emotion behind them. my mother askes me how it'll look when i'm 80. i say, not a whole lot better than the rest of my saggy old body. plus, who is looking at the naked back of an 80 year old? :)

birthday

2009-07-23T00:55:00.000-05:00

my birthday is tomorrow (friday) and i have a few memories to share..

it's 12:55 and i'm tired and really should be in bed but my mind doesn't seem to be as tired as my body is.

i don't remember this one but it's funny.
FOUR: my dad misspelled my name (in red icing) on my cake. two "l's" instead of one. thanks dad.
SIX: i get my first bike with no training wheels. the pedals were orange.
NINE: busy summer, party stuffed in between packing, selling a house, and moving to europe.
TEN: back from europe, dad's still in europe, get a card with a clever crossword on the front for me to fill out. 3-down "how old you are today" answer has 6 spaces. wrong, dad. i love him anyway.
FOURTEEN: i'm allowed to wear nail polish. i go nuts with it.
FIFTEEN: blush and mascara allowed. (is it sad these are the things i remember? it'd be easier with pictures)
SIXTEEN: on the day, i go to the dps and get my liscense. on my lunch break. from band camp. i remember driving away for the first time alone and seeing my mother in a sweater she finished knitting the day i was born. she wears it every year even though she's in abilene, texas and it's late july. that picture of her crying and wearing that sweater in my rear-view mirror is burned in my mind.
SEVENTEEN: not a happy birthday. because i was a bitchy teenager. so completely unreasonable. why is it that i'd give anything to go back and live in such a simple and sweet time. and then i would have given anything to get out of it and have the "freedom" of an adult. got slapped in the face with that one big time.
EIGHTEEN: got my belly button pierced. almost passed out. bought an ashlee simpson cd. nathan came over for lunch. his first gift to me: a gift certificate for a pedicure. it was my first pedicure. i didn't know i was supposed to shave my legs.
NINETEEN: i was 7 months pregnant and am not going to talk about it.
TWENTY: i'd been married for a month. we'd been in college station for less than 3 weeks. i do believe i cried for my mother.
TWENTY ONE: oliver was 2 months old. nathan took me to cheddar's for my first drink. i got drunk of 18 oz of margarita. i wore a pink shirt he bought me, jeans, and brown shoes he bought me. i took myself out to dinner alone a few days later to celebrate. i cried for my mother.
TWENTY TWO: i believe what i asked for was "to sleep". therefore i do not remember my 22nd birthday. i bet i cried for my mother.
TWENTY THREE: we'll see if i get dinner out of it. once again i've asked to sleep. so far i have a few gift cards and a little spending money. i look forward to spending money.i'll bet money i'll cry for my mother.

*the pictures below are from a scrapbook my mother made for me. i don't have a scanner so i got creative and took pictures of the pictures. not as easy as it sounds. anyway they're not of birthdays but i thought it was a neat thing to share. i love looking through that scrapbook. such vivid memories.*

i don't know why it's underlining. i think i was 2 here.

kindergarten. first grade.second grade graduation all those pictures above are of my brother, ryan, and i. sweet memories.the picture above is right before high school graduation. the one below is my graduation lunch. i was 5 months pregnant.

untitled

2009-07-15T22:11:00.001-05:00

hopeless, helpless and unable to function. a mind shutting down and taking the body with it. a pain not physical but not of my comprehension and always there, a buzzing fluorescent light that you can't turn off. no way out.
*****
well of course there is a way out. there always is, isn't there. this is what depression feels like. it's unbearable at times, i think i won't get through the day. but then i do. i always do. some days i feel like God is stretching, teaching, changing, and showing me. or more like dragging me by the hair. other days i feel deflated, withered, crushed, small, and unbelievably...pathetically..hopeless. some days i'm angry. furious. some days i'm even hopeful. strike that. some moments...moments i feel hopeful. most of the time there's a battle raging between my heart and my mind. can i admit it? the only reason i get out of bed in the morning is because i have to. it's because my children are peering over the bed saying, 'mommy, can i pick a movie? i'm hungry. can i have cereal? juice? can you come put the movie in? can you get me juice? what are we doing today? get up, the sun is here.' if that's not pathetic i don't know what is.
sometimes i hear people complain and i think, 'seriously. what is so bad about your life? what is so terrible about your situation that you can feel THAT badly about it?' ok i'll confess again...i say that to myself. about 32 times a day. i don't understand this thing called 'depression'. i can't pinpoint it. i can tell you my story and you can understand where 'depression' might come in. it's a depressing story. but i hope to grow beyond anything i can imagine from where i am and use my 'depressing' story to save people from their depressing stories. to encourage. to relate. because i don't have anyone to do that for me. just like i didn't have anyone to tell me it was all going to end when i was 18 and pregnant and at the bottom of the lowest pit i've ever been in. yes, i'm bitter.

people ask me what i want. i want to be in school. i want to be single. i want to have girlfriends. no, i don't want to get rid of what i have now. i couldn't imagine leaving my boys. but i had a plan. i know, i know...nobody gets to live their plan. here was mine. go to college in michigan to get away from home, but still be close to family. start over. get a degree in psychology (which has now changed to social work), graduate (which would have happened this past may. yes i cried a lot in may.), get a job, an apartment, and a cat. be single. grow up. meet a guy and get married around 26. (like my mother) have kids 2-3 years after marriage. be a stay at home mother. i knew in high school that i needed a lot of time to grow up. there was so much i wanted to do, so much i wanted to live and experience. i didn't babysit. i didn't like kids...and still don't. i like mine. but kids irritate me. i'm not a kid person. where am i? oh yeah. that's right. i'm 22. i have 14 hours of college credit. i have 2 children. i do not have a career, a cat, or a husband with a career. i'm managing a family of 4 with less than 20,000 a year.

i've tried medicine. i'm very ready to try again. i tried prozac and wellbutrin. prozac messed me up in all kinds of ways. it may be $6 a month, but for the side effects it was not worth it. i felt much better in my spirit, but it intensified my phobias and killed my sex drive. not only did it kill it, it made the idea of sex completely undesirable. so we ditched that. then the wellbutrin only half worked. no side effects, but not much of an effect overall. plus it was $150 plus a month. no can do.

last night i was waiting for oliver to go to sleep. i was sitting by his bed holding his hand...because that's about the only thing i can do to get him to sleep. but i was watching his precious face and wondering how i can feel such overpowering feelings for someone. on the lowest level i feel resentment. i know it's not his fault we're stupid and fertile. but i can't help but feel it. but mostly i feel love that overcomes me and saturates my heart in the moment. i've never been so adored than by sweet oliver.

i have a whole different set of feelings for aidan. i still feel the resentment, but less than with oliver. with aidan i feel thankful. thankful that my sweet friend krystal and her mother in a bizarre and God formed situation went to my house, and with a miscommunication, told my mom i was pregnant. i had an abortion scheduled for the next day. i look at his hands and his eyes and his tummy and i think to myself how i could have destroyed such a precious thing. i would undoubtedly not be alive today. i live for the moments that he whispers 'you're my best friend momma' in my ear. or comes to find me during the day to tell me he loves me and gives me a hug. i live.live.live for those moments.

nathan, you keep me going and you break me down. you've listened to hours and hours and hours of all the junk that is in me flowing out. you've always offered your strong arms. you can comfort me like no other. i show you what i show nobody else. some days you enable me to break. i tend to suppress. that's the biggest understatement of the year. i suppress anything. everything. and when i get to the top and need to crash, your touch can send it whirling down. i can't imagine what i would have done through these past 5 years with out you. so few come and don't go.

i feel completely and horribly alone. i like to be alone. let me explain. if there's a crowd at the park, i'll keep driving and go to the next park. crowd is overdo-ing it. if there's more than one other family, we skip. if walmart seems especially busy i'll go to target and pay more. i refuse to go to heb on sunday. if i have the chance to go to the movies with a friend or alone i will go alone. if i have the chance to go out for a fun night out or stay home in my pajamas and do nothing, i'll stay home. 9 times out of 10. for all of it. i'm really bad about making plans and then excusing my way out of them. i don't like being social. i don't like being with people. but i need a friend. on those nights when i leave the house sobbing, get in the car, and drive until i feel better, i'd like to say i could call someone. just to vent. or scream. or cry. i had a night like that a few months ago and i can't describe the horror of the moment when i realized there was not a soul on earth i could call. it was too late to call my parents. so i called my brother. and he didn't answer. indescribable.
it's mostly my doing. i tend to be 'surface friends' and not ever go beyond that. i've truly had one best friend in my life. i also push people away. it's a really bad habit i hope to break. soon. i'm over-the-top picky about friends. i'll hang out with whoever, but to be best friends? to be the kind of friend i'll call at 11:45 sobbing? i'm almost sure that person doesn't exist for me. i have too many walls. too many unnecessary guards. oh i know. eventually they'll come down and i'll be capable of making friends again. for now i just borrow my husband's friends.
yay for skimming the surface of this monstrous disaster that is my heart. i feel better. sorry for it all being so 'depressing', dark, and sad. those are the main feelings of my day today. needed to share. husband is asleep, and like i said there's nobody to call. i'm trying to give my pain to God. it's hard to let go, and i'm afraid. i won't know what to do if i'm not feeling these things i've felt for 5 years. i'm trying to re-connect. i'm trying to get off the ground. i don't know how to get out of this one. but i do know there's only One way out.

thank you to wh & dh. my times with you encourage me for the rest of the day. i hope to be as kind, Godly, and precious as you are someday. we love you both. all 4 of us.

you won't hear from me for awhile. i'm exhausted. i'll try to post a few pictures here and there.

quote from the beginning from here

blerg.

2009-07-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

i'm a terrible blogger, i know.

like the new layout? i do....except for those goofy button things on the side. the picture on top i absolutely love. it's me, oliver, and my dad in colorado.

i have a headache and i'm tired. just checking in. it's been 104 the past 2 days. plus humidity. yum.

sunsets

2009-07-09T09:17:00.000-05:00

last night i saw the best sunset i've ever seen in college station. sunsets remind me of abilene, of course, because abilene has the best sunsets and i saw so many. of course part of the problem here is that we're stuck in the middle of a bunch of buildings, and that the sunset happens right at bedtime. so for the last 4 years i haven't seen many. but i was lucky enough last night to go outside just at the right time and watch the sun set.

i'm determined to have a productive day!! :)

bedtime gross-ness and just gross-ness

2009-07-07T21:20:00.000-05:00

i think i've lost my touch. we can't get oliver to stay in his "big boy bed". i put them down over an hour ago. he's still up messing with toys. GR. and how come both boys listen to nathan the first time and they seem to not hear my voice at all??? GRR.

i'm so tired of this town. maybe it's not so much that i'm tired of this town but that i miss abilene so incredibly much. every time we go home i spend a night driving around with the windows (now window..GRRR.) down. i listen to my favorite radio station or a cd from high school. i call up my best friend..well my only friend...and go to bueno with her, drink way too much dr. pepper, and walk around a park. or lay out with a cran/vodka in one hand and tanning oil in the other. i listen to my music too loud. i go to walmart and it never fails that i see someone i know. i go to the church that truly showed me God. i sleep in the room where i used to sit on the floor bored as hell on saturdays and make necklaces, play with barbies...the room that i covered with love notes, pictures, drawings, and memories. the room i painted orange, blue, and lime green. the room i hung coke cans in...and i mean they were EVERYWHERE. back me up jenni :) the room i cried in, laughed in, grew in. the first room aidan stayed in. a baby in a true teenager room. gross. i know the streets and everywhere there is a memory. i'm not sad in abilene like i am here. this place is so hard.

maybe it's because i go back and act like a teenager again. maybe it's because i'm 22 and can't help it. maybe it's feelings of regret and resentment. maybe it's because this isn't my home. maybe it's because i don't have friends here, or a church, or my parents...maybe it's everything.

oh bummer.

pictures pictures

2009-06-28T21:09:00.000-05:00

playing around with the settings of my camera. took this pic on accident while realizing the boys were out of bed. headphones were up too loud. turned out really cool. always.
really weird captured moment. aidan was jumping on the bed. love it.
he's a dinosaur.
guess what we started doing this week????? 2 days in undies. hasn't pottied in the potty once. not a single time. it has to happen some time right?? come on ollie! i'm so tired of diapers.
schlitterbahn was fun. until we walked out and found our driver's side window down. someone forced it down. and broke the track on the inside. thanks. i hate vandalism. hate. hate. hate it.
nathan bought aluminum tape (?) at lowes in san marcos to temporarily fix the window until i can take it to the shop this week. hate hate hate.
sweet boys getting ready to enjoy a day of sun and splashing!
loves.

nathan is going to illinois with his dad on wednesday. coming back sunday. i'm planning on staying here until friday morning then headed to abilene. i'm looking forward to enjoying the fourth of july there. i think i'll threaten to not come back again. i miss it. so much. ....... .....ahhh. ok... ..... then i'll be picking up nathan sunday and bring him back here. his job isn't going so hot. prayers please? his boss doesn't like him and he's getting bored. he's a "student worker" and one day he'll be working with the engineers and the next day he's sweeping the floor all day. or digging a hole. i feel disconnected and don't have any amount of concentration. goodnight!

love, mud, and headbands.

2009-06-25T13:17:00.000-05:00

i made this out of cd covers. it's my 3rd work of art. :)

this is what i get for giving them spray bottles and letting them play outside unattended.
this is 'aidan the batman' digging in the mud. glorious.
perfect sweet oliver.

pagosa springs, colorado

2009-06-23T07:22:00.001-05:00

we had a wonderful time in colorado. what a refreshing time. i took 350 pictures while we were there, so i'm not going to bother trying to pick the best to put here. i put 123 up on facebook so the link to that album is here.

we left college station friday, june 12th and headed to abilene. left abilene saturday at 9am. we drove to albequerque, nm. stayed in a days inn with a pool for the boys. they did wonderful in the car. my mom (lovingly called "bb") sat in between their car seats most of the time. they both napped, and nathan and i switched driving every few hours. boys did amazing.

left albequerque at 10 the next morning, made it to pagosa springs at about 2pm. stopped at a cafe for a late lunch and headed to the cabin which was 10 miles out of pagosa springs. the family was all there by dinner time. all together we had 18 people. most from nashville and memphis. one from cincinnati, and of course us from college station and abilene.

the whole reason for us getting together was my grandfather (on dad's side) turned 75 in april. and dad turning 50 in june. they had one summer 2005 for my grandparents (on my dad's side again) having their 50th wedding anniversary. i wasn't invited because i was pregnant.

the days were busy and filled with activity. we went to the great sand dunes national park where nathan and i climbed to the tallest peak. between 700 and 800 feet of steep sand. my nickname (from nathan) changed from 'princess' to 'hoss'. :) we spent some afternoons in pagosa springs just shopping or walking the streets. we played putt putt one afternoon with the boys. aidan cheated. there was horse back riding and a train ride from silverton to durango. (neither of which we did...too much for the boys...) and on our anniversary, nathan climbed a mountain. first time. well they didn't summit, but they got close! he loved it. it was a 12 hour hike. we went to the continental divide and played in some snow.

when we weren't out doing things, we were hanging out at the cabin. the weather was absolutely perfect. nights were 40s-ish and days were 70s and perfect. no humidity. and just gorgeous. we could see mountains out the window and were within walking distance to a waterfall.

the evenings were spent as a family. we'd have big delicious meals, followed by cake or smores. dad had prepared several activities for everyone. there was a jeopardy game, some interesting genealogy facts, story telling, and much more. such a neat experience.

my parents made it possible for us to go. financially and otherwise. thanks to mom and dad for helping us out so much!

we left saturday, june 20th and drove all day. left pagosa springs at 9am and got to abilene at 11pm. we even lost an hour at the border of texas and new mexico. then sunday, we left abilene at 10-ish and got back to college station around 4.

what a great and refreshing time. so thankful to mom and dad for making it all happen!

next weekend, well this weekend...the 27th...we will go to schlitterbahn with nathan's parents. i've never been to a water park, so it'll be my first time! shame, i know...i spent my summers camping in colorado, or driving hours and hours to washington, oregon, california, tennessee, michigan, south dakota...need i go on. no time for schlitterbahn for us.

yesterday i got an iud put in. quite painful. anyone else have a hard time with it? i was in so much pain. i didn't have dinner, just 800mg of ibuprofen and went to bed at 4:30pm. thanks to nathan for coming home from work and going straight to taking care of the boys while i slept it all off. i feel better this morning but still feel crampy. it's gross. i guess it beats 5 years of a pill every single day.

today is supposed to be stinking hot. we're planning on going to the pool for the majority of it. then we've got a sitter coming over at 7:30 so we can have a date. we didn't go out in colorado, but we did have a special dinner...in the living room. ha. dad set up a table, picked some wildflowers, and we drank koolaid out of wine glasses. mom kept the boys in the dining room and fed them in there. so we got a dinner with no children! we shared the table with my cousin, jd, and his fiancee, krissy. they're getting married in july. it was a sweet dinner. thanks dad! then the next night, mom kept the boys while nathan and i went to get ice cream. so we got to celebrate our anniversary there. but we wanted to dress up and have a "date" tonight. so that's the plan.

boys are fussing for breakfast and juice.

have a great day! :)

anniversary

2009-06-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

our anniversary isn't until the 17th, but i won't have a computer or internet while in the mountains :) but i'll be sure and take lots of pictures. this will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. we've been together for 5 years. i'd love to tell the story of our meeting and all but i really am supposed to be packing. BOTH BOYS ARE ASLEEP. this has not happened in weeks. and i'm sitting on the computer! geez! so happy anniversary to us, love you nathan..

the vows i wrote. i. not we. it turned out ok, but since i wrote them all i think i should have put a few more promises into his. hehe. not a contract. i know.

I, William Nathaniel Cunningham, created in God's own image

(Genisis 1:27)

Setting my hope fully on the grace given to me through Jesus Christ

(1 Peter 1:13)

Promise to love you Hilary, knowing our love is made complete through God

(1 John 4:17)

To love you not only with words and tongues, but with faith, patience, perseverance, and truth

(1 Corinthians 13)

To treat you with respect and carry your burdens

(1 Peter 3:7 & Galatians 6:2)

To manage our family well

(1 Timothy 3:4)

To be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer

(Romans 12:12)

To love you as my own body, which no longer belongs to me alone

(Ephesians 5:28 & 1 Corinthians 7:3)

May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely if anything but death separates you and me

(Ruth 1:17)

I, Hilary Hope Lynn, created in God's own image

(Genesis 1:27)

Setting my hope fully on the grace given to me through Jesus Christ
(1 Peter 1:13)
Promise to love you Nathan, knowing our love is made complete through God
(1 John 4:17)
To love you not only with words and tongues, but with faith, patience, perseverance, and truth
(1 Corinthians 13)

To treat you with respect

(1 Peter 3:7)

To bring good, not harm and to work with eager hands

(proverbs 31)

To help you when you fall and to carry your burdens

(Ecclesiastes 4:10 & Galatians 6:2)

To honor you above myself

(Romans 12:10)

To love you as my own body, which no longer belongs to me alone
(Ephesians 5:28 & 1 Corinthians 7:3)

As Christ has taught us to serve, I will serve you

(Ephesians 6:7)

Where you go, I will go. Your people will be my people and your God my God.

May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely if anything but death separates you and me

(Ruth 1:16-17)

i love you nathan.

guess who's....

2009-06-11T08:50:00.000-05:00

PACKED! that'd be me. and aidan. and oliver. and nathan. he packed for himself, and it makes me nervous that i can't go through it and make sure he got everything. he assured me he did. now usually when i pack i pack outfits for every day and have them in the order that i'll need them. i fold the outfits up together so others will know if they're having to dress the boys or whatever. i put undies and socks in seperate bags. and i pack 3 more outfits than i need in case something comes up. we'll be in colorado over our anniversary. i'm really hoping (NATHAN**AHEM**) that my husband of 3 years on june 17, will take me for dinner.

all that to say that i wasn't so neurotic with my packing last night. i pretty much packed everything i thought i might need. the boys each have a laundry basket...one of those small white $2 ones from walmart. nathan has our big laundry basket and i have a gym bag. so all i have left to pack are toiletries and things we use every day :)

yesterday i was aching for them to have some quiet time. oliver usually naps and aidan stays in our room for quiet time so i get at least a small break. of course they didn't yesterday...so we went to the pool for THREE hours. headed back in about an hour this morning. yesterday we even went to the park in the morning and it was absolutely nasty outside. aidan asked to leave because he was sweaty and hot. i thought for sure they'd nap! they were up at 7 this morning! yuck!

some days i have zero patience. today is one of those days. i had a terrible nightmare last night...which isn't unusual but doesn't make the morning pleasant.

oh off to vacuum the car then go to the pool then oliver better take a nap! 2 is too young to give up naps. i really wish aidan didn't like the 'princess' movie mrs. donna let us borrow. he loves it though! yikes.

i should blog about more substansial things, i know. it's hard to think about deep things inbetween diapers and juice refills. and the princess movie.

my baby my baby....

2009-06-09T13:32:00.000-05:00

the crib is disassembled and in the hall. the twin bed is set up. he is NOT staying in it!! we're getting a routine going and hoping it gets better. and i'm packing for colorado. we leave this friday at 4 for abilene. leave saturday (7 people in 2 cars...mom, dad, ryan, nathan, me, aidan, oliver) at 8am, stop in new mexico for the night, get to colorado sunday afternoon. i'm loving being home with the boys. just spent a wonderful weekend in abilene by myself for my dad's 50th birthday. i got to spend time with mom and dad without the boys! it was refreshing. :)

bright tummy(s)

2009-06-01T14:03:00.000-05:00

the boys and i went to the pool today. it was so great! looking forward to logging many many pool hours this summer. for oliver's birthday i asked for money for a pool pass and we got it!! :) so we can go as much as we want all summer long. so great! boys are having quiet time and i am NOT getting things done. but i need to. it's unreal how much junk is everywhere. i feel so unorganized and cluttered but i guess when you've got 4 people (2 of them under the age of 4) living in a 980 square foot home...it tends to get a little out of control. off to fold fold fold fold fold. sweet, brutally honest aidan said when we got in the water at the pool...'mommy, your tummy is so bright!'. great. :) i wasn't as bright as oliver. he was hard to look at. good thing i had my sunglasses ;)

eh.

2009-05-30T20:05:00.000-05:00

feeling really down today. had a great afternoon with nathan, but still feeling down. bleh. oh and oliver climbed out of his crib for the first time last night. they were up until 11. tonight's gonna be rough. why is everything so twisty?! i'm trying not to complain..

bummer.

2009-05-29T13:42:00.000-05:00

i just had a yummy lunch with fresh veggies and fruits i got from the grocery today. squash, zuccini, red pepper, broccoli, and pasta. drinking a vitamin water and eating cantelope, honeydew, watermelon, pineapple, and strawberries. very yum.

i'm really bummed about tonight. i wanted to go to a party with nathan in the woodlands and i can't because we have no babysitter. ugh. i wish my parents were closer for times like these! i'm really bummed about it!

at the grocery, oliver bit aidan so hard it broke the skin and is still swollen.

i think i'm going to try to take a nap. i'm so very sleepy!

krystal's wedding & oliver's birthday

2009-05-27T15:12:00.000-05:00

oliver and paw paw. poor thing...had to wake him up for his own party!

aidan and aunt tracy playing
sweet oliver opening presents :)
beautiful cake nathan's mom made for oliver!
he's goofy like his daddy. i refuse to believe he got that look from me.
my best friend.
is she not the most radiant, most beautiful bride ever?!
i felt pretty so i took my picture.
i LOVED my hair. LOVED it. it was perfect. i went in and she said 'what do you want?' and i said 'i don't know, have fun!!' and she did. it was kind of funky which is perfect for me. i loved it. i'll say it again. LOVED it. i think i'll try to do it again sometime. i watched closely.
i met krystal my junior year of high school. we were instant friends. she is an incredible person and amazing friend. i have such happy memories of us...we would plan 'study nights' and end up making 3 boxes of mac and cheese and watching sappy movies. or highlighting each other's hair. or crying about boys. or talking about love. or anything but studying! we went out rolling and tried to escape a cop. we made penises out of playdoh. we drove way too fast and drank too many cokes. her parents were always welcoming and i just loved being at her house. i had a mad crush on her brother and told him i wanted to go out with him after nathan and i broke up. ha. we've had some great times. and some really hard times. she and her mom are the ONLY reasons aidan is here. if they hadn't done what they did he would not be here. what an incredible family. what an incredible friend. and i am so very honored to get to be a part of her wedding. i love you krystal, so so much!!

TMI

2009-05-27T14:57:00.000-05:00

maybe if my heart stops beating
it won't hurt this much
and never will i have to
answer again to anyone

please don't get me wrong
because i'll never let this go
but i can't find the words to tell you
i don't want to be alone
but now i feel like i don't know you

one day you'll get sick of saying
that everything's alright
and by then i'm sure i'll be pretending
just like i am tonight

please don't get me wrong
because i'll never let this go
but i can't find the words to tell you
i don't want to be alone
but now i feel like i don't know you

-"let this go" by paramore

thank you for giving me a song to describe exactly how i feel.

excuse my immaturity. nathan and i had a long talk last night over champagne and sangria. we decided we would be honest with each other. it's been a shockingly deceiving 6 years. mostly...and by mostly i mean 98%...on my side. i try to write blog posts appropriate for those reading. i know my mother reads it, i know my mentors read it, i know my friends read it, i know my grandparents read it. so i make sure i'm saying things that are relevent or appropriate. that don't make me sound like a 22 year old in over my head. that make me sound like a solid, loving, christian, mother, and like everything is all together. so i'll break down those walls for the 10 followers i have in blog world. maybe we'll all feel a little better. i know i do.

so from now on i will be a 22 year old, slightly immature, and incredibly moody. stuck in a situation i never ever dreamed i would be in and never wanted. trying to make the best of it and trying to understand my feelings and actions. i love my children with every single breath in my body. i will do anything for them and can't imagine life with out them. as hard as it's been. and i love nathan. he's been with me through the worst times in my life. maybe he'll get to see the best times as well.

wow i feel better.

so to drastically change the subject...here's a really funny thing aidan did the other day...
he's been asking about red lights and green lights, stop signs, and all kinds of questions about how the road works. so we are at a yield sign and he says...
a: hey what's that stop sign momma?
h: it's not a stop sign, it's a yield sign.
a: what's that?
h: it means you have to watch and wait for other cars but if there aren't any you can go. that means yield.
a: "AHHHHHAHHHAHHHH!!!"
h: don't yell in the car!!
a: but i'm yellding!!!

smiles

2009-05-20T15:41:00.000-05:00

funny aidan...watching a movie in his batman outfit and cowboy hat. love him :)

all smiles :)

no words

2009-05-19T00:12:00.000-05:00

i found this site because i follow another.

precious.

15 posts later....

2009-05-18T14:05:00.000-05:00

wow it's been 15 posts since pictures! ooooops. so here you go :)

during our easter abilene visit the boys rode on buzzy's back. notice the flip flops under his knees. ha. poor buzzy.
i love this face oliver makes!

nathan and me :)

oliver with his easter eggs

i love love this picture of nathan and oliver.
i made these invites for oliver's party. fun!
aidan wearing underwear.
goofy boy. love him <33

time out

2009-05-18T10:16:00.000-05:00

my kids are about to kill each other. they're arguing, hitting, biting, and screaming. all morning! i'm finding myself just letting it happen to a point. they need to work things out a little. i don't let the hitting or biting continue. they're in separate corners. i'm thinking they need some outside social time or something!

we've been having a hard time at bedtime. the problem is that aidan gets out of his bed and crawles under oliver's crib. he pushes on the matteress and taps on the wall...generally prevents sleep from either party. so we've started checking every 10 minutes or so and he gets spanked when he is out of his bed. last night it was 3 times. we upped the spank to a swat with a spoon. i absolutely HATE doing it. but i think it's starting to work.

oliver is watching me out of the corner of his eye. if i glance at him he sticks his lip out and droops his head. what a pathetic move. they're not in trouble, just breathing.

nathan's very best friend is headed back to texas today after 5 months in michigan for an internship. i'm looking forward to having him over for dinner and games. sad that i don't have any friends so i bum nathan's? i think so.

lots to do today! cleaning, starting laundry, grocery, gym, and bbq baked potatoes for dinner! yuuuuuum! also have to start packing for this weekend. GAG. lots and lots of packing. nathan and i will go to abilene friday evening, leave saturday morning in seperate cars for mckinney and burleson, wedding prep all day saturday, wedding sunday (evening...ugh...), and come home late late late sunday night. oliver's party on monday at 2. coming back to college station monday night. get back late. and crash. well nathan has to work at 7am tuesday. yuck for him. i think i'll recover and do a ton of laundry and unpacking. why am i dreading this?!

i guess time out has lasted long enough. and my cleaning has been put off long enough. :)

also, i absolutely LOVED sleeping until 9 this morning.

bathing suit issues

2009-05-15T16:34:00.000-05:00

well i went to old navy today in search of a bathing suit. i have been wearing giant grandma one pieces for a few years thanks to my stomach being inflated twice in two years...not a pretty image. so this year i finally feel like i could wear a bikini again. so off to old navy we go...boys in toe. poor things. not cool for them. they did great though, considering. so at old navy i tried on 3 or 4 and bought a bright orange one with white polka dots. adorable. so i was second guessing myself because i wasn't sure nathan would like it. so i walked over to target and tried on several more. i bought a green one with white polka dots there. it is a little different style. i'm going to try them on for nathan and from the comfort of my own mirror and forgiving lighting. don't you hate those dressing rooms with the florescent lights? so terrible. i came home feeling not nearly as confident as when i left. i'll let nathan give his two cents and i'll take one back. (have you gone bathing suit shopping lately? they cost WAY too much for what they are.) anyway. not feeling so great about my deflated body today. i went to the gym this morning for the first time since i've been sick...the first time in a LONG time. my weight is great, i'm back to what i weighed my freshman year of high school. my measurements are pretty good, i'm 4 inches too big in my waist...but that's not too bad. the issue is the tightness of everything. or lack of tightness. how long will this take?! ugh. maybe i'll get confident and be able to step out in the bikini. i hope so. i've worked for it.

aaarrrrrrggggg!

2009-05-12T18:12:00.001-05:00

i am absolutely stunned at the immaturity of some people. nathan went to sonshine station to tell them why we chose to leave the center. he was called names, ridiculed, and asked to get the f*** out of the office. he was doing nothing but explaining our issues with the center. i'm livid. so much for a christian learning center. absolutely livid. but we did the right thing. still, can i just say ARRRGGGG!!!!!

all better!

2009-05-11T09:09:00.000-05:00

i'm feeling 100% better! mom went home tuesday. i drove her to waco to save dad 3 hours of driving in the dark. the 3 of us had dinner at panera bread, dad's favorite. i'm still on the antibiotic and feeling so much better. i have another doctor appointment in a few minutes, just to check and make sure we're all clear! then i have to take oliver to get shots :( i don't like shot day. he's too sweet.

mother's day was good. i slept until 11, nathan ordered pizza from papa johns...my favorite! with breadsticks! and cream soda...oh wonderful. nathan had to go to school to study so i took the boys to the park. we picked up nathan at 7 and i went to see state of play at 7:15 by myself. it was a really good movie! nice and suspenseful.

nathan should have 2 finals today but has rescheduled them because he gets to go to mission control at nasa and watch the space shuttle launch!! how exciting for him! i think that's pretty cool! he's ready to be done with school. then he's going to be working full time at the wind tunnel.

i'm LOVING being home with the boys. i need to find a good pool. but being home is great. so so so glad i'm out of that daycare thing! at my yearly check last week i was talking to a nurse about it and she said her friend was thinking of taking her twins there. i told her no way, don't do it! so i got a call from her the next day and she had her friend on the line and asked some questions. i think the parents need to know things like...they asked a teacher to come in even though she had pink eye and called to say she couldn't come. so she came in, puss in the eye and all, and was in my child's class. their reasoning was "well she's an adult and knows to wash her hands and not touch her eye then the kids. that's the only way it can be spread." riiiiiiight. so i sent my husband a text and he left class, came up there, got oliver and had him home for the day. he also called 4 other daycares and asked about their policies concerning pink eye in staff. that, coupled with my strep incident (where i called right after leaving the doctor and told them i had strep, asked me to come in and "just not breathe on the kids"....NO) leads us to believe their concern and priorities go: themselves (the director and asst director), the kids, the staff. not a good order. when nathan signed oliver out he put in the "comments" section, 'took oliver home because teacher had untreated pink eye' and they blacked it out so nobody else could see. and when i had strep there were no signs up letting people know i had had strep. 2 kids got it. i could go on. so frustrating.

i have to leave for my doctors appointment! so thankful to be feeling better and to be home! :)